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Incognito Only! 👻

I’m feeling guilty for having my daughter..

I’m not looking for any kind of judgment as I’ve stated I already feel guilty in the title.
——SUPER LONG READ——
I had my daughter back in May (14th), I absolutely love her and she was planned, having her isn’t really the issue. I have another baby… same father and everything. But we don’t have him, he was born May 19th, 2023, the reason we don’t have him is because at the time it was one of those “thought you were ready but weren’t” type of things. We were living with my aunt and we had him. But at about three months we just couldn’t afford what he needed and we had a health scare with him (thankfully wrong diagnosis). So my aunt offered to take over and have guardianship for healthcare reasons. Shortly after she came to me and my now husband saying we needed to be out at the end of October so our room could be turned into our son’s room as she had completely taken over. I was fine with that because I could go back to my dads and still be able to see him whenever I wanted. Then after we leave, some how a DCFS case was opened for neglect and abandonment, which scared me because I was worried I’d completely lose my son. So we sat down with my aunt and came to the conclusion of her and my uncle just adopting him to prevent that from happening. (She brought this idea up to me and it made sense then. But now I realize was a complete lie.) We agreed and started that process. With the understanding that me and my husband were still his PARENTS even if it wouldn’t be seen that way legally. And that once we got stable (like we are now) we could have him back. Turns out that was all a lie, right after it was official she somehow was so busy or he was always sleeping. Or honestly she just wouldn’t answer. So I stopped reaching out and just focused on working to get money and get stable so I could have him back. Turns out I was wrong for that because she then blamed me saying I didn’t reach out. A couple months go by and she says I’m allowed to talk to him. So I do. I reach out about every two weeks. One time I went a month because he was starting a lot of new stuff so I wanted to give time for him to adjust to the new things. However during this time I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. And I didn’t tell my aunt because of how my son was done (she was one of the few people who knew I was pregnant). She used me not telling her against me and has since not been answering my texts.

I feel guilty because I don’t have my son. I didn’t even have him as a baby because my aunt took him. I feel guilty I couldn’t do this for him. I feel guilty because his sister is with us and he’s not. She’s going to see so much he won’t because we don’t have him and I feel horrible for it. I regret the choice I made at 19. I made it thinking what was said was going to be done and that it was what was best for him at the time. I no longer trust anyone, not even my husband, with our baby because I’m scared someone’s going to do the same thing. Because it all started out as help, and then she kept stepping and stepping. Of course as a first time overwhelmed mom I really thought she was just trying to help because she had three kids and knew what it was like to struggle post partum.

What doesn’t help my guilt is how similar they look as baby’s. Same eye shape hair line cheeks and nose. And she’s just as expressive as he was at this stage. And right after this is when things went sides. I just really miss my first baby and the fact I couldn’t really be a mom to him then because she way over stepped and then took him.

If you read all that thank you, I’ve been feeling absolutely horrible since I had my last conversation with my aunt. I’ve cried and cried over this and it just won’t leave my head, I feel as though I failed him. I want him back so bad but I don’t have the money for the fight she’s going to make us go through court wise. It just eats me up inside. He has my eyes and his dad’s goofy smile and I can’t see it. I can’t hug and hold him. Or even just tell him I love him to the ends of the universe. He won’t know that I care about him because my aunt doesn’t tell him anything about us.