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January 2027 Babies 🇺🇸

Sunday Thoughts/Uncertain Future 🔮🍼

My partner and I broke up last weekend and it’s been a week of no contact. We have gone through periods similar to this before, but he seemed adamant last time that he was done, and hasn’t tried to reach out to my knowledge, but also he was blocked because I couldn’t handle the anxiety of wait time for his responses in the emotional state I was in, especially if it wasn’t going to go in my favor, he is unblocked now but I am afraid to reach out and make matters worse.

We were only together during the 6/7 months of my pregnancy, as it was a situation of coworkers who met and I got pregnant shortly after meeting with him after work hours.

There are many reasons as to why we are in this situation, and unfortunately it has to do with the people in our lives, such as our families, and our parents, as well as our jobs. The last situation that happened and where we interacted was not nice and involved his mother, who IMO interferes way too much in her adult son’s life. We did not live together, but live in the same city, and at least for me my plan was that we would eventually move in when his lease ended. He does not have a vehicle, and we both got new jobs around the same time. I have a vehicle which I am paying to use virtue of my mother, which was allowed to me based on safety and necessity for my job, but also left me with the burden of being the one to drive us around and pay for gas, having to choose between staying at his apartment and my comfort for work, and I was growing tired of this dynamic and of the restrictions and negativity involved.

It’s been an adjustment because his mother wants to go to court last I heard, and this is not something I ever thought of doing in my life until I met her. She accused me of sleeping with someone else and not in those words but called me a whore, which is ironic coming from her and her families relationship dynamics, and idk where she would’ve gotten that idea from…he sat there and didn’t defend me.

I have felt mixed about his mother from the beginning, as on one hand she seemed supportive but pushy, (I hadn’t told my family yet and hadn’t decided to keep the baby), sometimes she would disregard my concerns about being married and having our own place, and I felt as if she was always judging my family (my parents have been married 33 years, did the whole mortgage a house get married have kids thing), she did not chose or find herself in that route. My partner had made a comment that stowed distrust in her from the beginning, that she would “try to take the baby away from me”…that has been my fear since he stated this. He was always comparing our financial situations as well, and texting his mom updates, which was frustrating. From what I’ve heard of her from him, she is someone who has gotten police and jail involved over her daughters ex husband and their child together, and this frightens me…she is coming from this type of hostile environment, I am not. I do not wish for this to become my life or involve it in my child’s.

I love being pregnant to an extent, but it has changed me, it’s been an emotional ride, and introduced me to many new things. I will be sad when I am not, grateful on the other hand, but also I do want another baby to some extent someway somehow at some point.

The uncertainty of the future is something on my mind, as I would like to move, both out of my current place but also to a different area of the world, and am unsure where that fits into my cards. I would’ve preferred to do all this with my partner. Job security, balancing being a good mother, creating a good home environment for me and my baby, while being financially independent are things I’m thinking about. I also know that I may end up trapped into a custody agreement which won’t allow me to move away peacefully.

Labor concerns, physical health, post-partum concerns, my baby having disabilities/health issues, co-parenting, daycare costs, adoption, schools, are all things on my mind.

I don’t have close friends, and my social media use while pregnant has gone way down. I used to care to talk to other guys, but right now it’s difficult for me to think about future partners. My partner was always monitoring my interest in any man besides him, going through my phone, inquiring about it, which also frustrated me. He asked me if I was interested in sleeping with his roomate the night of the breakup, and my response came out of shock and he didn’t like my response. Maybe he didn’t feel prioritized lately, but as the months grow closer to the birth, that is my main concern, sex is not, and he has been frustrated with this.

Most of the people on my social media are posting their babies but with their husbands, or if they don’t have kids, post their adventures with their S/O, and friends. I would like to travel but feel trapped and unsupported in this, as I would have to go alone.

I find myself alone this weekend, cleaning up a house not out of it being mine but because I am here and that’s what I do. It is a change of pace for sure, and I am finding myself ever reliant on my mom for things. I am questioning everything always, and what ifs remain my constant.