Daughter don't like Stepdad

My 11yr daughter confided to me that she does not like her stepdad. I asked why did she feel that way. She said. (He always yelling at me for stuff I had no control over. I can't do anything here or say anything when we go to the store(normal stuff kids do in the store) She don't like when a male yells or talk at a female And he doesn't treat you (mom) so good either. ) As far as him yelling and talking at her. I spoke to him a out that prior to her telling me this and it didn't go well. He say things like oh you gonna let your child dictate what they don't want to do or live. And that's not the case. I'm more intune with my kids mental and emotional feelings. Has anyone experienced this before? And what do I do?
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My step daughter wrote a letter at Christmas time telling her dad I make her anxious (I'm stepmom) when I yell and she doesn't think it's a good place for her brother (me and her dad's bio son) so now I basically walk on eggshells around her. Can't discipline her period or she throws a fit. I don't know what to tell you because it doesn't sound like step dad will step down his stance in that regard.

@Shaharazad i already spoke to him about it before and he said he won't say anything to her. If my kid is doing something absolutely wrong yes tell them to stop. But if she is doing nothing wrong why pick at her. I guess for those past interactions it just left a bad impression. Idk.

@Dae unfortunately she don't know her dad. He chose not to be in her life. I was thinking to send her with my mom in NY. He feels like I'm letting her dictate what she wants.

@Dae thank you! I'm definitely looking into it we are visiting NY when she gets out of school

Coming from experience. I told my mom I hated my step dad and asked her not to marry him. I was 9/10 years old and I grew up never wanting to go home because of the way he spoke to us. She married him and our relationship has never been the same. Even through I’m 25 the little 9/10 year old in me will never forgive her. Please listen to your LO no guy is worth pushing her away.

@Elizabeth sorry to hear that. This is what I dont want.

Family therapy is the first step in my opinion. She needs a safe space to express her feelings and you need someone outside your relationship to help step dad see her point of view and find a balance.

Also, sending her to live with your mother could send the wrong message and damage your relationship with her. You are basically telling her you choose him over her then and that can cause some serious mental problems later on.

@Brandy omg everything you just said. I'm having all those emotions I don't want her to ever feel like mom chose a man over me.

Definitely start with therapy then. If step dad won’t go then he can move on. Put your daughter first and insist he come along.

@Brandy thank you❤

Please don't send an 11 year old little girl away to live with someone else because she is unhappy with how an unrelated man treats her, in her home.

I promise you I won't. Deep in my heart I would never let her live some where else without.

The fact that she said "he doesn't treat you so good either" especially stuck out to me. How is y'all's relationship? Is it a healthy model for her? I didn't like my mom's long time boyfriend. He gave me the ick from the get go. Turns out he was abusive and things eventually escalated wildly. It was easier to say "I don't like him" than what was actually happening. I hope nothing worse than what she says is going on, but kids don't always know how to communicate big things sometimes.

@Raqi nothing else is happen I know for a fact because she always with me or comes to me for everything. When she's not in school. Our relationship is cool until I want to express something I dislike then its a problem. Pretty much one sided.

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