My Husband Wants To Have Sex with His Coworker
My husband says he is problematically lusty and we have been together for 17 years, married for almost 8. I opened up poly a couple years ago but it was only a casual online only, never physical thing. He stood by me and it was terribly hard for him but he takes the pain as strength. After seeing how much it hurt him I closed off realizing there's A LOT more work to be done to bring us closer. A few months later he mentions wanting a girlfriend. I was mortified honestly because when I opened up he still claimed as monogamous so I never thought about how I would feel if he explored. So when he asked, defeated I said "explore how you want". I should have never said that.
A few months later he tells me about this co-worker he has that's poly. Next thing I know he starts posting about having itches he can't scratch, and so on and so forth. His main thing was that he really said that he has a desire to be open and honest with me and not have to hold back. When I reassured him that were close enough for him to be able to be vulnerable and open up to me, that's when he explained how he needs to have sex with someone else. But specifically have sex with someone else without me involved in any way. And even more specifically that he wants to have sex with his poly co-worker very badly. Dealing with having postpartum with a 3 month old baby, this really ignited my depression and anxiety and I've been having really hard time.
Between feeling like a hypocrite because I opened up and then closed up once I seen how hard it was for him, I feel a little cheated because he wants to open up but it's kind of "feeling pressured" in my opinion by a bit of a midlife crisis, to take the opportunity that's in front of him. At first I was like "absolutely not I hate everything about it" but because of my past he says that him having sex with someone else will help him heal from the past and release any sexual negativity.
I'm trying really hard to open up by talking to him, getting therapy, reading books like The Ethical Slut and more. But when I opened up poly for an online relationship it was because I thought it was the safest and most baby stuff way into poly. Now he did a leap frog and it's way too big of a bite for me to digest without wanting to puke. I did give him consent and he told his co-worker and she is down with it but the time of when it's going to happen is in the air and she is "working on herself".
I am down with doing sexual things TOGETHER and I understand the logistics of the fact that he is very sexual, yet has only had sex with me so he wants to try independently. But emotionally I feel lost, hurt, worthless, threatened, etc. When she consented to sex with him she also mentioned hand holding and cuddling and I'm like "oh come the fuck on, just fuck and get it over with." So I said NO to that and my husband still feels slightly restricted. But these are MY boundaries. I know considering the consent to have sex I'm just not down for any other micro affection that looks like dating. I don't want anything for him to be ongoing. I don't want intimacy with her to be continuous.
I'm just twisted up and we have sex therapy on Thursday. I know I've joined FetLife and figured well let me explore then, and I want to try with a girl as I realize I was bisexual after we got together.
I don't know I'm just not able to get over the frustration of him wanting to fuck his coworker despite his reassurance, all these books I'm reading, and even my own logic.
Where do I go from here?
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Wow... that's a lot. First I'm sorry you feel lost, depressed and cheated.
On the other side maybe you should work new boundaries with your husband. Because poly relationships are relationships..and they involve holding hands, non sexual activities too, etc.
I feel like what you actually wanted to do is to open the relationship for a one time thing: have sex and go back home.
Yes that's exactly what I want, my personal limits are to give him his 2 Hall passes (he said adding 2 to his body count would be nice, one including that coworker), and he agreed. But his end goal seems to be to allow him to be free with whomever and however. So now I'm not questioning our love but I'm questioning what's the point of being married and what's so special about being a wife? Like I don't feel like dealing with all the extra stuff. 😒😪
I would tell him that you have to be involved. That is your hard boundary. Period.
I don't think she's bisexual and he definitely enjoys the thought of that but still wants that alone time to be with her without me 😪
I don't think it should ever be a co worker because in the end you will be tortured with the what ifs.. what if they still having sex, what if they are beginning to get feelings for each other, etc.. and for him to do it alone is BS and I wouldn't even consider it myself.. and for him to use it as an excuse to get over the hurt from your Online poly thing is just that an excuse to manipulate the situation to benefit him by making you feel guilty and like you owe him that.. there is a difference between online and no physical contact and him being there knowing and him wanting the actual thing without you and with a coworker.. me personally I wouldn't agree to that period.. I would tell him that y'all could do it together and that y'all could find someone together that neither of you know and I would make it clear that it is just a one time thing or whatever you think and absolutely no communication behind each other's backs
Is it that hard to be committed in a relationship. You just had a baby his ass should be at home with you taking care of this child. How do y’all even have time to talk about sex and all that … the child is priority and so is your postpartum health. Not who he is going to fuck.
Tell him if you cant join them , then its not happening , put your foot down and tell him how it is.
I totally understand you feeling this way. But it is very hypocritical and I think you should feel how he felt when you were doing borderline the same thing…. 🤔 but that’s a hard one. he obviously still has healing to do from your actions. I’d let him have this ONE… then create some rules/ boundaries for the future.
Look...if his doing it....then you also participate
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