What do I do?
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Girl, it sounds like he needs to work on earning your trust back, but y’all’s dynamic seems very toxic. You’ve opened a door that also allows for other doors to be opened whether you want them to be or not. Porn is the same as cheating because y’all are both laying your eyes on other people instead of each other in lust when that should only be for each other. Also you can interact with porn stars on those sites as well.
I don’t think porn or masterbating to porn is cheating I feel like it’s pretty healthy for a relationship to do that on their own whether it’s with porn or not. Like for me I watch porn and my husband knows it.. I get off on all kinds of different stuff so it’s not like I’m searching specific stuff… him as well it has never bothered me but I think being friends with ppl who we’ve had sex with would be a huge no fir me it’s too close to home. The only fans thing is a no too it’s too personal like you get to talk to that person and stuff.. before we had kids me and my husband actually had an only fans together and I ran it our relationship was great and we made some money but after kids we stopped it all because we had to move on from that type of life….i think you can build trust but yall have to be very open to having conversations about sex often to see where both of you stand
I would start with genuinely asking him why he felt the need to look her up and breach trust to actually go through with it? And then work on establishing better boundaries. Ask him to work through with you how he would feel and what he thinks should happen if this had been done to him. Allow him to speak and don’t interject your thoughts or feelings yet. Give him a chance to share what’s on his mind and in his heart. And then calmly explain how it has affected you. Go ahead and have an idea list of ways you guys can improve trust. I’m sorry you are going through this. :(
I would want to know if there’s something he’s missing. The conversation is only productive if he’s transparent.
I’d find this so disrespectful! To go to the effort of searching for someone and admitting he’d ‘considered it’ - what does that even mean? Being honest after the event doesn’t clear you of disrespect, for me personally this would absolutely give me the ick about him but would also make me feel like my relationships a sham currently. Sorry to be that blunt but its my opinion and how I’d feel if it was me, he doesn’t respect you enough & sounds like he has a sex addiction. I’d want him to get help, be respectful towards the mother of his child and put his family before his dirty mind 😳
Porn itself is not an issue for either of us. We're both comfortable with this, and it's of no concern to me whatsoever. However, there are obviously boundaries regarding no direct communication with pornstars/content creators, no requesting specific content, no subscriptions or accounts, etc. The issue here is specifically to secretly using OnlyFans and searching someone he knows IRL. Apparently, she'd posted on Instagram a while ago about having OnlyFans (I looked at every single post she made and didn't find it, but there were signs). We did speak a bit last night. I asked what he was curious about, but it was a lot of "I don't know", "I was just curious", "I know its wrong/I didn't mean to hurt you". Apparently, there's nothing wrong with me, nothing missing, etc. I've just said I don't know how to trust anything he says. How do I know he wasn't "curious" if he could be an active participant? Or that this was genuinely a one-off? How does he now prove himself and rebuild that trust?
He's not a sex addict, just an idiot
I think “I don’t know” isn’t a real answer. Doesn’t seem like there’s much room to trust him if you can’t even know what drew him to that. If he is unhappy, that’s a reason. Sometimes I think we just really don’t want to hurt feelings, but curiosity is different from being curious and sneaky.
He has offered to delete Facebook and Instagram. I told him he doesn't need to do that, I don't want to control him at all. He has chosen to deactivate Facebook (so he can keep messenger), and has unfollowed everyone on Instagram (so we can still send each other stuff). He has apologised and said he understands I don't trust him, and he will work to rebuild that trust. He voluntarily slept on the sofa two nights on a row, but I've said that's counterproductive so he won't be doing that again. Overall, I'm still furious and hurt, but I think he is just genuinely a fucking idiot that does stupid things.
Seems like he wants to reconsider sleeping with her if he was “just curious” to see what she looked like naked
I asked if he and this woman had fucked before, he said no but he had considered it. Also, unrelated, but he's currently napping with the baby, so I grabbed the washing from outside the bedroom, and it appears he's recently jizzed on my panties. Usually this wouldn't bother me, but right now I'm fucking disgusted.