Self esteem

Anyone else on here so fragile that they never ask partner for enough help until breaking point? In pregnancy we agreed we would take shifts to do nights despite partner working 3 days per week. Baby was born and partner just wouldn't wake up even if I yelled or shook him so I thought ok I'm doing nights alone I can't put the baby through having to wait 20 mins every time and how can I go back to sleep after having spent 20 mins to wake a guy to care for a baby while it's crying. I would be too rattled and sorry for the baby to return to sleep. So it was pointless and I just did it all and he told family he couldn't possibly help at night due to EBF which is very much not the truth. A few weeks later he recovered from the birth (you'd think he was the one in labour for 2 days then a c section) and actually could wake for the baby but didn't tell me. I had a breaking point and he did a couple nights of bringing me the baby to feed so I only had to wake for those feeds and not putting dummy back in every 10 mins. But after those 2 nights I feel too guilty to ask for that again even for half a night because I feel I am expected to be tired but him not and I can't stand to hear him complain of being tired because I feel its my fault and not something he should just accept as the price of having a baby? I have birth trauma and was really triggered by him complaining of his lack of sleep despite that he slept 4 hours then another 10 hours during my labour and he could not wake at postnatal ward either. I felt like his family saw it as my fault he lost sleep as I had a stalled labour and it makes me feel so inadequate and this seems to be an issue I cannot shake going into splitting childcare chores. I know it's just PPD. But how do I get through it? Anyone else? He won't talk to me about it anymore we have discussed the birth 2 times and he says it was a waste of time expecting my trauma to have magically disappeared after that. Problem is I don't feel like talking to anyone else about it!