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First time mums

Lack of awareness

I don’t mean this is a nasty way, but I’m finding it so surprising how little awareness there seems to be of normal infant behaviour. A lot of that may be due to social media presenting an unrealistic vision of what life with a young baby is like - e.g., goes down in their cot and falls asleep with just a little bit of shushing, feeds on a schedule, plays independently and can be left to themselves, all at just a few weeks/months old. A lot probably also comes from people who stand to make money by selling plans to “correct” totally normal behaviour. A bit like the market for cellulite cream. Characterise something completely normal as a “problem” (that over 90% of women have) and oh look, you can sell the “solution”.

I think it’s done so many people a disservice who have their baby only to find the baby will only sleep on them, can only get to sleep if fed/rocked to sleep, needs attention or entertainment, cluster feeds for hours, continues crying even though you’re comforting them (still SO important to remain a steady and comforting presence), needs lots of affection, wakes up multiple times a night for the first few years (don’t most adults wake up most nights too?). So much of it is down to the baby’s temperament, and the babies who sleep through and are happily more independent are a tiny, tiny minority, and they change constantly anyway. And then people are surprised by how much their baby needs them? I see so many posts of people asking why their baby of just a few months (or sometimes even days) old needs them so much. Of course they need you, you’re their only source of comfort and safety! It’s no parent’s fault, it’s so easy to compare yourself and think you must be doing something wrong if your baby doesn’t behave in this idealistic way, but it is just that - idealistic. Your baby is designed to fall asleep at the breast, to cry as their only means of communication, to require constant proximity and comfort, to NEED you.

For anyone who worries they’re doing badly because their baby seems needy, please know you’re not doing badly at all. Your baby literally needs nothing except you, and this is why they may seem “needy”. They depend on you for absolutely everything, by design. This can be overwhelming, especially if you dont have the good fortune of a wide support network, but it is so, so normal. If you keep responding to your child, understand how scary and big and dark the world must seem from their perspective, give them the comfort you would need as a vulnerable and upset or scared infant with no control or independence whatsoever, no ability to do anything except cry in an attempt to communicate that something is wrong - you’re tired, sad, thirsty, hungry, uncomfortable, cold, hot, lonely, scared, need a cuddle - things will eventually get easier. Babies don’t know what they need when things aren’t right. They don’t know the solution to being tired is to sleep. They need a lot of help from you to get them there. Your baby will start to feel safer in the world, to learn it’s okay for them to explore independently because you are always there for them. You are their safe base. There’s so much pressure on parents to cultivate independence (from lots of sources and for lots of reasons - some of which are unavoidable, like going back to work) but it’s okay for that not to be where you are right now. It’s certainly okay for that not to be where your baby is.

One day they will have closed doors and secrets and lives of their own, and may roll their eyes when you ask if everything is okay. For now, what they need is your warm arms around them, or your comforting hand on their tummy, or the feel of your heartbeat next to their cheek. As far as they know, the only thing that stands between them and the abyss, is you.