Shitting his pants

My 4.5 year old started shitting his pants lately... almost every day.
He says i forgot (to go, to tell you, etc).
We have had some life changes.
A baby sister, 5 months old. He loves her but he's extremely rough, fast and loud in his approach with her.
We trained him to sleep in his own bed 9 months ago, before baby came, and now hes back in our room.
Mom and dad fight sometimes (stress, hormones, division of labor, messy home, exhustion) and sometimes it gets heated.
He's also become very defiant and sometimes flat out disrespectful. He does the opposite of what I ask, he treats his sister roughly, talking back, disregarding house rules, etc). Ive resorted at times to corporal punishment. I've started using a rewards chart for when he sleeps in his bed all night of helps mom in extraordinary ways. But more often, I have to take away stars/ hotwheels cars, while my husband still rewards him informally (ice cream, dunkin donuts, stay up late, sleep with him in spare bed, etc)
Im not sure about the WHY, but i need help to know how to make it stop.
Ive tried having a friend over to take care of baby while I spend 1:1 time with him. Its temporarily better.
Mom and dad apologize at "family meetings" and try to reassure him that we love each other.
I keep a change of clothes in the car for accidents.
We remind him his a big boy and can't have accidents anymore. He apologizes and does it again. Im afraid that we might be shaming him because we talk about it openly and directly.
Any explanations or tips?
Thanks

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