I need help parenting my 8 year old

You mention you have a 10 month old which is a big life change for a child.

Could it be for attention as she isn't getting as much time with you? Or has anything else changed?

If everything changed at a similar time I'd be questioning if something happened that is causing the behaviour and regression.

I haven't been in that situation but I would definitely try to reconnect with her. She clearly doesn't trust you and doesn't listen not consider you as a safe adult to communicate with. Strong behaviors don't show up without reasons and honestly I think she is struggling with something very bad and doesn't need discipline but connections and helping her with dealing with what she is facing. Do you know if she might be a victim of bullying? Or sexual abuse ? I hope it gets better very soon. She sounds to be in so much pain. A lot of valuable content is available online @nurturefirst on Instagram to find tips to help you make your relationship with her better and help her the best way

There is no sexual abuse or bullying going on at all!! We talked and I can tell by her reaction it never happen. She's just changed she's still talkative she's still outgoing but the emotional regulation has changed dramatically now wetting the bed. Is it me is it the death of her grandpa is it the new baby I don't know. She will only tell me her feelings on paper.

So it could be a combination of grief and not feeling supported.

I know you don't wanna hear it, but therapy 🤷🏻‍♀️ It's been months, she's struggling. I'd maybe examine your bias against it and consider trying it. A professional third party might be able to figure out what's going on

Therapy should be the last option. She needs more attention. You and your husband should try to split how you give attention to the kids. If you are focused on the baby, then he should give her some attention. Get to know her again. My 9year old got into the habit of telling unnecessary lies which broke my heart but I digger deeper and realised she liked being perfect and didn’t want you to find a flaw in her. So I started talking to her about not trying so hard to be perfect and about how making mistakes aren’t that bad and so on. My point is, telling not to lie will not solve it. You need to find out why she lies and try to nip it from there. I also started morning affirmations with her with the last affirmation being “ I will not lie to mummy and daddy”. And with the bed wetting, could one of you not wake her up at a certain time at night to pee? And to get her to listen to you, you need to find a way to talk to her without making it seem like she’s a bad person.

I say this from being a bedwetting child that mine was from extreme anxiety around the bathroom. It may sound dumb, but when I was younger, I watched a movie I wasn’t supposed to “what lies beneath” where the woman died in the bathtub. It really traumatized me as a child and I was PETRIFIED to go to the bathroom. I wouldn’t fully empty my bladder and because I wanted to get in and out ASAP. I wet the bed for years due to this anxiety. That was in the early 2000’s as I’m in my 30’a now, so therapy was pretty taboo, especially for children. I’d argue that your daughter might feel more comfortable talking to someone outside of your family if it is anxiety, feeling neglected with the new baby, struggling to process profound grief of your father in law, and/or something else. I’d encourage you to at least be open to the idea of therapy as bedwetting is typically indicative of some internal psychological issues in children.

She is only 8 years old! She seems to be struggling to deal with life. Although you dont want to hear it you probably need to get her professional help since you are not able to help her. You say there is no bullying or sexual abuse. Even if there isn't it seems she doesnt feel comfortable opening up to you so something is going on with her and she needs help.

This sounds so tough, I read your post and it made me think of a back and forth journal as something that might help. If she is better at writing down her feelings it could be a great way to connect with her. You can buy tailored versions with prompts or just use a plain notebook. You write first explaining its a safe place to communicate and share with you that no one else will read and leave it on her bed/under her pillow. When she writes back/draws a picture etc she puts it under your pillow and so on. I've only read about them but liked the idea.