Toxic parent
Happy Sunday ladies.
I’m looking for some genuine advice and perspective, and I ask that responses be kind.
My relationship with my mother has been strained for as long as I can remember. I was always treated as the black sheep — she regularly pitted my siblings against me, called me names, and said deeply hurtful things (including once saying she should never have had me).
When my parents separated years ago after her affair, she told my siblings that I was the cause of the breakdown. As a result, most of them cut contact with me for years. I’ve since found peace and built my own life, maintaining a relationship only with my younger brother who witnessed everything firsthand.
Over the years I’ve made repeated attempts to maintain some kind of relationship with my mum, but she continues to speak badly about me to my siblings and shows clear favouritism. A small but painful example: my two siblings and I all have birthdays within the same month, within a three-week period. She never forgets theirs, yet has never remembered mine — so this doesn’t feel like forgetfulness.
Recently things escalated further. She is now dating a man 36 years younger than her — younger than her youngest child — who has since been accused of rape. I am a rape survivor myself, and she supported me through court at the time, so I tried to explain how distressing this is for me. She dismissed it, blamed the child, and refuses to end the relationship. Police have since raided her home for illegal weapons while her grandchild was present.
After another attempt to express concern, she cut contact with me. We haven’t spoken since.
I now have my own child — 3 months old — and I feel fiercely protective. I want my baby to meet family and friends, but I do not feel safe or comfortable having my mother involved in our lives.
My question is this: would I be wrong or selfish for completely cutting contact and not allowing my child near her? I’m exhausted, and my priority is protecting my child’s emotional and physical wellbeing.
If you’ve had to make difficult decisions around family boundaries, I’d appreciate hearing how you navigated it.
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Such a sad and challenging situation to be in. I don't have first hand experience but I believe that if your mum wanted to be involved with your child she would instigate such. She is must acknowledge her homelife is not suitable for children and babies. I don't think it's unfair on your child as it sounds like you'll be saving heart ache for you both.
Things may change in the future but for the moment do what's best for you and your baby. Sending love ❤️
I was thinking all the way through reading your post “she should cut this woman out of her life” so no, I don’t think that’s selfish. I think it’s the only option she’s left you with xx
I think it's entirely appropriate to prioritise, love, and protect your child in a way you never were by your mum. I have swung the opposite to how my parents were with me and no regrets.
As the black sheep of the family too I'm still learning how damaging it was and unpicking that. I'm very low contact not that they know that because they neglected me so it's normal for them not to be around for me or their grandchildren. They pare so self involved. But if I miss mother's day or something that looks bad from the outside, he'll reigns down.
Truly I hope you find peace with this decision. Sending love 💕
So sorry to hear about this painful situation.
It may be difficult changing your relationship with your mum but how you navigate your relationship with your child with regards to who is allowed near them, is something you can control and you can provide that healthy parental relationship that you would like for them, and by doing so, you’ll be healing parts of your relationship as a daughter too.
Wishing you peace and love.
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