Sex with no lights on
When me and my partner got together 5 years ago, lights would always be on the only times they werenât was the way we would both wake up middle of the night and have spontaneous sex. Any other time, he would never turn the lights off.
Since having my little one 3 years ago, I noticed he would keep the lights off more when having sex. So often weâd get into bed, so lights would be off and then one of us would initiate. I asked him about it and he said he didnât realise how much the lights were off and that he loves my body and Iâm not the problem. He said he would try to remember to keep the light on(his bedside one as I didnât have one at the time).
It ended up happening again and often late last year and now this year. Even tonight he went to the toilet, I got into bed naked to surprise him(I wanted to give him really good sex and be confident as I admit I do sometimes lack confidence with some sexual acts and Iâm trying to work on it). And he was like oooo youâre naked, went round to his side of the bed and switched the lamp off. I was like why? I wanted you to see and I thought you would want to see all of me too? He just said âI donât knowâ, switched the light back on and got into bed. Then started touching me and that.
But I had totally kinda switched off. My brain wasnât with it fully because I was focused on that detail. I over worry a lot and Iâm trying to work on that too. But this is the only recurring issue. I hate the lights being off, I love to see him and I want him to feel the same way about me but I donât think he does anymore otherwise why does this keep happening?
And yeah about my weight Iâm overweight, but the thing is Iâm trying not to push myself into the darkness again as when I was younger I was overweight, got bullied, ended up starving myself and exercising until I was sick and fainting. I had a real bad relationship with food and no one knew. Iâm trying to lose weight healthily but it isnât budging, no matter what I try. Smaller portions, exercise, no treats, healthy meals etc⊠He also tells me I donât need to lose weight and he loves me as I am but why wouldnât he show that in his actions and not just words?
I then question everything like if heâs not focused on me, is he thinking about something else? Like it makes me feel all kinds of ways and I said I want the truth even if he thinks itâll hurt me because itâs better to know and he still says he loves my body. So Iâm confused. Am I letting my my past consume me? Should I trust my partner let it go and try to lose weight a healthy way?
