in

England

My mum made me stop breastfeeding and I resent her for it

My mum has never breastfed her children and I always felt like she was judging me for choosing to breastfeed my baby. She would always raise her eyebrows whenever I did it and would make comments about how you can’t be in an equal relationship if the mother is breastfeeding, she would say « I don’t understand women who accept to take on all the feeding burden, it’s so archaic, can’t they realise that fathers can help too », and she would say that breastfeeding was anti feminist and all these sorts of things.

It was hard feeling that she wasn’t supporting my choice and that she was thinking less of me because I was breastfeeding my baby, as if I wasn’t a strong and independent woman anymore.

Then, my husband had a bike accident and broke both his leg and arm, needless to say he was not able to help at all with the kids, so my mum moved in with us because I couldn’t cope. She then put a lot of pressure on me to stop breastfeeding, like twice or three times a day she’d asked « when are you going to stop this nonsense? », she would say that it had ruined my boobs and that I would never lose the pregnancy weight while I breastfed.

And I hate myself because I gave in to her pressure and I quit breastfeeding in order to stop feeling like my mum looked down on me. I’m so embarrassed to admit that as a 36 year old woman, I was still behaving like a little girl seeking her mums approval, pathetic I know.

And I have stopped breastfeeding for a month now and I am still so so sad about it, I can’t really get over it, it’s as if I miss my baby, which is ridiculous because I’m on mat leave so I’m with her 24/7, but it’s as if something was gone forever and I don’t know how to stop being so upset about it.

I’m also now so resentful towards my mum. I told her so and she said that I was a grown up woman, responsible for my own choices. She’s right of course, but I’m so mad at her - as well as mad at myself. I feel like I made this decision 3 months post partum because I was fragile and stressed and under-slept but I just wish I had been able to stand up to her.

I know my family is complete so I know I’ll never breastfeed again, and it’s almost as if I was mourning something.

Does any of this sort of make sense ?