in

California

Going back to work soon and sad

Hi everyone….hoping to get some input and or support from other moms with similar experiences.
I’m a full time working mom and love my job. With my first baby, I went back at 6 weeks and was fine. I was able to cope with it just fine but after having my most recent baby, it feels different.
This birth experience and postpartum was very different compared to the last and I feel maybe that plays a part in this. I hemorrhaged an hour after delivery and coded in front of my husband…I had a second delayed postpartum hemorrhage about a month later and was hospitalized for 3 days. With all of that and finding out my baby had really bad reflux + trying to adjust to having 2 kids instead of one, I ended up getting diagnosed with PPD. I was medicated for a few weeks but the medication gave me such bad anxiety and I was having panic attacks almost every night before bed. My anxiety was focused on going back to work and feeling like no one is going to be able to take care of my baby the way he needs and that I’m neglecting him by going back to work. I stopped the medication because the anxiety made it too hard for me to eat and I would go days without eating. My anxiety got better but my depression came back.
I’m not too sure what my next steps are for managing my PPD yet.
Anyways, I’m going back to work tomorrow as my paid leave is up and unfortunately I cannot take any unpaid time off. Today I find myself being incredibly sad and I’m starting to feel anxious about tomorrow.
Has anyone ever dealt with similar feelings and if so, how did you manage?