It is so hard to feel like I’m doing a good job when nothing is working
Disclaimer - I have PPA
I hate leaving the house because I spend every waking minute watching wake windows and timing naps and calculating how much time she needs to sleep during the day in order to be tired enough to sleep at night but not too tired so we have a false start. Just for her to wake up at 2am and stay awake until 5 anyway. I’m exhausted. I tried to leave the house today in hopes I would get at least one nap that’s longer than 30 minutes that wasn’t on my body and yet again only slept thirty minutes in the stroller. Then I come home and I’m behind on EVERYTHING because I decided to “take some time for myself”. That “time for myself” to help me “relax” made me even more stressed. Having to choose between showering, eating, sleeping, pumping, or washing bottles is quite literally the worst experience I’ve ever had and it’s the only thing I’m actually able to do every second of everyday. I just feel like I’m trying so hard and nothing is working. This isn’t what I thought being a mom would be like. And I’m so angry at the fact that everyone only talks about how great it is when it’s not great all the time. It’s damn hard.
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It is really hard and you have PPA so everything feels even more daunting when it’s not your fault. It’s great. It’s also terribly hard. When the PPA is addressed, you’ll just stop second guessing and worrying as much about outside possibilities as well. Give it all some time.
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