Birth trauma
I’ve been wanting to share my C-section experience for a while, but I honestly haven’t really known how to put it into words. I think part of the reason is because I’m still processing it myself.
I went into labor on my own and ended up being in active labor for about 18 hours. I had always imagined that if I ever had a baby, I would go through labor, push, and then immediately have my baby placed on my chest. Obviously, I knew C-sections existed and that sometimes they were necessary, but I never really imagined that would be my birth story.
After 18 hours of labor, it became clear that my baby wasn’t going to be able to safely make it through my pelvis. I remember being told that we needed to do a C-section, and I had so many emotions all at once. I was exhausted and scared, but more than anything, I think I was grieving the birth I had pictured in my head.
The surgery itself was such a surreal experience. I was awake, but everything felt almost dreamlike. And then suddenly they told me she was out.
My daughter was born, and I heard her cry.
I thought that would be the moment when everything changed and I finally got to hold her.
But it didn’t happen that way.
Because of everything that happened after the surgery, it was about THREE HOURS before I was actually able to hold my own baby.
Three hours.
I know that in the grand scheme of things, three hours isn’t forever. She was safe, and there were reasons for it. But emotionally, those three hours felt enormous. I had just spent nine months carrying this baby, 18 hours laboring to bring her into the world, gone through major surgery, and then I was lying there knowing my baby was somewhere else and I couldn’t hold her.
When I finally got to hold her, I was completely overwhelmed. I remember looking at her and thinking, “That’s my baby.” I couldn’t believe she was actually here. After everything, she was finally in my arms.
But something I didn’t expect was how much I would struggle afterward with feeling like I didn’t actually give birth.
I’ve caught myself thinking, “I didn’t give birth to her. They took her out of me.”
And I know that’s not true. Logically, I know that I gave birth to my daughter. I labored for 18 hours. I went through major abdominal surgery. My body carried her for nine months and then went through an incredibly difficult physical recovery to bring her safely into the world.
But emotionally, it hasn’t always felt that way.
I think part of it comes from not getting that immediate moment I had imagined. I didn’t get to push her out and have her placed on my chest. I didn’t get to immediately hold her after she was born. I didn’t get that picture-perfect “baby on mom’s chest” moment that I had always associated with giving birth.
Instead, I woke up afterward with an incision, pain, exhaustion, and this tiny baby who I desperately wanted to hold.
I’ve had moments where I feel like my body failed me because I couldn’t deliver her vaginally. Even though I know that’s not fair to myself, those feelings have still been there.
I’m slowly trying to change the way I think about it.
My body didn’t fail me.
My body grew my daughter. My body labored for 18 hours. My body endured major surgery when a vaginal birth wasn’t safe. My body recovered enough for me to get up, walk, care for her, and become her mom.
I didn’t get the birth story I imagined.
But I absolutely gave birth to my baby.
A C-section doesn’t make someone less of a mother, and it doesn’t mean we didn’t give birth. Sometimes giving birth looks like pushing. Sometimes it looks like enduring hours of labor and then being wheeled into an operating room. Sometimes it looks like being terrified and trusting a team of people to get your baby out safely.
And sometimes it looks like lying there for three hours desperately waiting to hold the baby you’ve spent nine months waiting for.
I’m still processing everything, and I still have moments where I struggle with it. But I’m trying to give myself the same grace that I would give another mom.
I didn’t fail.
I gave birth to my daughter.
And after everything, she is here. She’s safe. She’s mine. And I would do it all over again for her. ❤️ I’d love to hear other experiences
The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.
Learn more about our guidelines.
I’m so sorry this was your experience. This is similar to mine. My son was born in March of 2022 so the hospital still had a lot of Covid rules. After a very long labor and not progressing and the assumption I had a big baby we decided to do a c section. My son ended up 10lbs 6oz. I’m very grateful for that c section because who knows what would have happened if I tried to actually push him out. But because of those Covid laws I also couldn’t hold him for a while after birth and neither did my husband. He couldn’t even be with him. They took him to the nursery and left. They fed him formula without asking me but asked my husband because his sugar levels were low. He of course said yes because he didn’t know what else to do. Because of that it messed up our breastfeeding journey. It took me a while to come to terms with everything. But I eventually did. For me lots and lots of prayer helped. To help me come to terms and be okay with it. You can be bummed but what didn’t happened
After 42 hours of labour I got taken for an emergency c section, I was exhausted and had inhaled a hell of a lot of gas and air! I didn’t cope very well on the table and they gave me pethidine which ended up knocking me out and I dipped in and out of consciousness for 12 hours. I vaguely remember someone asking me if I wanted to hold my baby and I said ‘NO’. I just couldn’t stay awake and it was over 12 hours before I was with it enough to hold her. Like you I always imagined baby being placed on my chest and I felt incredibly guilty I refused to hold her.
I am booked in for an elective with my second for this Friday and I’m just praying I cope better this time as it will be a more controlled environment and I won’t be so exhausted! 🤞🤞
If men were able to give birth, they’d do absolutely everything to lessen the pain and wouldn’t feel or be told that they are a lesser man because of it. We have been told that we must feel all the pain to be a real woman, a real mother, but that is not true. And I know it’s not all about the pain but it may also be about possibly not getting to experience the baby coming out of you vaginally. But the good news is that perhaps if you want another baby in the future, perhaps you will be able to do a vaginal birth then. But either way, you will see that that is not what makes you a mother. You have been there and will be there for your baby in every possible way and that’s what makes you a real mother and what really matters. I had a scheduled c section myself, even though that’s not what I wanted but due to having GD, I had no choice. I’ve learned to be okay with it and be glad that I didn’t have to experience the vaginal tearing and other possible difficulties from a vaginal birth.
This is something I have struggled with, I feel almost guilty if someone mentions that I gave birth because it doesn't feel as though I did even though I understand that that's not a logical way of thinking. I laboured for 8 hours before my c-section, the spinal block/epidural didn't work so I was put under, I then lost a lot of blood & became septic so it was hours before I actually got to meet my baby. My sister jokes to my baby she met him before I did, but it breaks my heart that I wasn't the first or even second person to hold him. I'm usually very avoidant when it comes to these things but it's been 15 weeks and I still catch myself feeling as though I failed my baby & it gave me a lot of anxiety with his health/immune system, I was so worried he would get poorly and it would be my fault .. even though I do know deep down this isn't the case! C-section recovery is a tough process physically and mentally, you did amazing and should be proud of yourself❤️
I had something similar happen to me with my first baby. I started having contractions when I was 38 weeks pregnant and they slowly started to grow stronger by the time my contractions started getting worse I was past my due date (July 5th). I tried to wait to go to the hospital until my water broke but by July 8 the contractions was already 6 to 7 minutes apart and was in exclusionary pain and couldn’t take it anymore so I went in that night on the 8th got there my contractions was 5-6 minutes apart and only dilated to a 2 so they made me walk around doing squats. I don’t it for 5 hours straight went back to my room they checked me I had only dilated to a 4 they waited till the next day to see if I would progress further on my own with out an induction still no luck so by 10:00 o clock July 9th they broke my water and they came in every 30 minutes to see how much I had dilated by 3 the next morning I was at a 8 and they started getting me to push I pushed for about 30 minutes
Interesting perspective as I would like to opt for a C section. I never saw it that way but I do get it. Hope to not feel guilty afterwards
To an hour and half way through me pushing they tell me to stop pushing that my cervix was swelling and they couldn’t get it over his head so they told me I could either do a c section or I could wait a few hours and try pushing again but that’s when they told me the bad news!!! They told me if I was to wait and try pushing again I would be putting me and my son in danger so I went for a c section went back for the c section and they checked to see if I was numb enough but I still felt everything even after them giving me everything they could so I had to be put to sleep in order for them to do the procedure I didn’t wake up until 1 the next morning I went almost 16 hours without getting to see hear or touch my baby boy I know exactly how you feel love
Download the Peanut App
