How do I manage?
How am I suppose to be ok with the fact that my husband wants a girlfriend. He’s so mentally fucked up about this girl he was with for a few years that burned to death in a kidnapping car accident. That ten years later he’s telling me because of Raina (the girl that died), because of my lack in care/trying for him, and the lack of family love he needs a girlfriend. That he wants to die all the time and he just needs something to take away the pain. And that he would do it for me if I was in his shoes so he wants me to do it for him. That if I love him I shouldn’t tell him no to this. More like he won’t accept a no. But that he doesn’t want me to leave and doesn’t want to leave me. That he does love me. That he wouldn’t want to be without me. That he love our family (we have kids). I’m just not enough to take the pain away. To stop her screams he hears in his head. To make it not as bad. So he wants ME to find him a girl to be able to distract him from the thought of her. Like this is so beyond fucked up that any time I think about it, it makes me physically sick to my stomach. Like my heart is trying to fall out of my chest. But I love him. And I really do just want him to feel better. I see how much he hurts every single day. How sad he is. How much he hates his life. And I hate that for him. I just want him to be happy and at peace. But I just wish so so so much it didn’t have to be because of another woman.
And don’t get me wrong our relationship is far from perfect. We’ve got into fist fights, name called, belittled, cheated, lied, was petty, egged the other on. But man has is also been beautiful. Kind and heartfelt. We’ve been through so much together in these 9 years. We have three kids. We built a home together. We are working on buying land. We have invested so much into each other. How can I throw all of this away over one thing, even though this one thing is breaking me..
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THERAPY. wtf. It's on him to heal- he is not going to heal from a distraction.
Go to therapy girl because why would you even accept that??? That's not even supposed to be a question unless you are open to it.
Sounds like he's weaponizing his past trauma to try and get you to ignore your own boundaries. A man comfortable doing that doesn't love you, doesn't deserve your love, and isn't going to stop at just "this one thing". Moving on to a safer way of life isn't throwing away the experiences, joy, effort and growing you went through as a person, you get to keep the good even when you walk away from the bad. You are valuable and deserve to be treasured
It's time to prioritize your own well-being and step away from him. After nine years, it's not your responsibility to help him heal; that's something he must do on his own. Your journey towards healing and inner peace starts when you focus on yourself. Remember, your children observe how their father treats you, and his behavior is not a good example of love. Your feelings and emotions are important. Would you prefer for your kids to witness you feeling down for another decade, or would you rather they see you thriving and nurturing yourself?
Wow, this is like the craziest story ! I mean for what it’s worth… you guys should go on a vacation somewhere really cool and fun 🌈🙂🏝️ sending healing energy ❤️🩹
what in the doctor phil
Id have to put my foot down. He can see a therapist or councelor…. Not further complicate you alls lives. This is your life too… and he chose you and this family. Its no longer only about “his happiness.” And he wants to introduce another person into this mess… its selfish and a bit ignorant and you need to be thinking of yourself and those kids. Do you all have insurance? Most cover all if not all portion of mental health costs and some places offer services on a sliding scale. Id ask around neighbors from your city on suggestions or places on next door app…. https://nextdoor.com/!FF3HWL
You manage by choosing you. Tell him NO. If he wants to be with you… there will be no other women. And also work on becoming more financially and mentally independent so if he leaves you will be ok. Work on your own life… invest time in family and friendships, your career or finances, your own safety and well being. And tell him he needs to get help or you leaving. Some Men will play on your emotions if you let them. They will use u… if you let them. But dont let his foolish thinking guide your life. If he is mentally incapacitated… font join the foolishness. Either he gets help or you need to break it off.
Wow. He definitely needs to go to therapy. He is projecting all of that past trauma and the only way to get over it is to process it, forcing you to break an emotional and physical boundary to patch it up with a side piece distraction is not ok. And to ask you to find that for him?!? Nope!
If he is not open to therapy, tell him you arent open to the relationship. He can either have you, the kids and therapy, or he can pack his bags and have a girlfriend. There's no room in your life for both options simultaneously.
And just a reminder when it's hard to leave remember your children are being strongly effected by being in this environment and will grow to seek relationships like the one you and this monster are portraying. I know you won't leave for you- but if you want what's best for your children you will leave for them
It's isn't just one think you just said all the things..."we've got into fist fights, name called, belittled, cheated, lied, was petty, egged the other on." Honey you are teaching your children that this is a normal relationship when it's not. He needs help like professional help if this girl screwed himself so much that he wants to screw another girl. Why are you with him and letting him influence your kids?! They will think this is normal and then will find this type of relationship when they get older...or if you have a son he will think its normal to treat his future spouse the way he treats you. Have some self respect and get into therapy yourself and get away from him if he isn't willing to go get help for his stuff too.
You both need therapy, a healthy relationship does NOT include fist fights, cheating or belittling that is abusive and toxic.
Your kids deserve better and I hope they have NEVER witnessed any of these issues as they are learning hownto treat others and hoe they should be treated, from you and your husband. Are you ok with what they are learning?
You deserve better than how your husband is treating you and he needs therapy to heal from the trauma of his loss.
At this point it sounds like it's either individual and couples therapy or divorce.
If he wants this and you don't, you don't come back from this.
Sorry OP.
Theres only one word divorce 🤍
I’m sorry no he has no respect for you atall honestly I would leave him be strong you deserve better then that
Coming from the daughter of someone who experienced something similar and a now mom myself, he doesn't love you. He likes the fact that he can act a fool, blame his past & you still stay. For your kids I would say leave bc all you're doing is teaching them that this behavior is okay. They will become the abused or the abuser when they grow... They deserve better than that. I would say both of y'all seek therapy but leave each other... You need to love yourself more so that you can love your kids more. "Fist fights, cheating" even if it's you doing these things he is gaslighting and manipulating you & since it's been 9 years of course he has you almost convinced you're also the problem.. if he loved you and yours kids he wouldn't be asking for something so stupid. You either become a victim of your past or grow from it.. he clearly chose his way so ask yourself how would you feel if your sons grew up to be like him? Or your daughter's come crying to you because they are experiencing the same...
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