Not ready

I had my daughter 3 months ago and my son will turn 2 next month . I realized I started calling her the baby and him just my boy instead of my baby without even realizing it 😭 sobbed in my room over it just a few days ago . He’s so grown and smart and of course I’m so wildly proud of him and proud to know him and call him my big boy toddler but I’m also super not ready ❤️‍🩹
My parter wants to be done with kids he has 5 . I have 2 of my own with him . I know I am not done though , I would start over later in life aswell . I’ll always miss being a baby mom , toddlers and kids and teenagers adults , I’ll love all the phases but I know I’ll miss being here in these moments forever . I can’t hold on tight enough and even if I don’t look away time keeps going on

I’m 40 and I needed IVF to have my 23-month old and also developed a heart condition from the pregnancy so it’s only ever going to be the one. I know how it feels with time slipping by so fast, it breaks my heart so much. And because I’m older it’s another thing. They say you blink and it’s over so it makes it extremely difficult to cherish these moments. All I can think of is how they’ll be gone. I’ll never have this chance again. And then I think about how when it’s over I don’t have anything else to live for. I think of myself on my deathbed and how I’ll be afraid to die and how the only moments that mattered were these years right now as a mother. I don’t know what life is when it’s all going to go away, like what’s the point? I probably need to get help for this 😅