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My Mother In Law Said What?!

My MIL and BIL’s reaction after I had a motorway accident has left me questioning the entire family dynamic

Anonymous because my husband’s family may recognise this.

I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have been married for 6 years. My husband’s family are extremely close. His mum lives abroad, but when she visits the UK, there can be plans with the family at least 5 times a week. Her visits are also very long (minimum 2-3 months and have repeatedly been extended without our knowledge and sometimes even upto 5.5 months

There has always been this underlying feeling that my husband is “different since getting married” and that the family don’t have the same access to him anymore. Anyway this time MIL and FIL came when I was 18 weeks pregnant and stayed til I was 30 weeks.

A few weeks ago, I had a genuinely terrifying accident on the motorway.

At around 3pm, I was driving in heavy rain when my tyre suddenly split. I had to cross 3 lanes to get onto the hard shoulder with lorries around me, then wait for the AA. I ended up dealing with a temporary tyre, then discovering the mechanic had fitted the wrong tyre, then getting the correct one fitted before finally getting home around 6:30pm.

I was 7 months pregnant, completely shaken, exhausted and crying.

My MIL and BIL both knew what had happened.

Neither of them asked if I was okay.

My husband initially said he’d come home after briefly seeing his family (he figured they’d be able to drop him home since we’re 20mins from each other.), but he ended up being kept there for hours because a huge argument developed about the wider issue of him being less available to his family since getting married, and what that meant for his mum’s access to him. His brother screamed at my husband for 45mins backing his mum’s points and my mil just said “calm down” uselessly

At one point his brother was shouting:

“Mum can come to this country whenever she wants. You don’t have a right to stop her.”

And “That child is also her grandchild. She can see it whenever she wants.”

So this wasn’t just about November. It was this much bigger argument about his family feeling that marriage has changed how much access they have to him, with his mum coming back around the time I give birth becoming part of that conversation.

My husband did defend me and said he had a pregnant wife at home who had just had an accident, and that things couldn’t simply work like that.

Eventually, after hours, he came home around 10pm

Then later that night, his mum wanted to say goodbye before leaving (she was finally leaving after a 3 month stay. I’d already gone to say goodbye a few days ago when she was originally supposed to leave and she failed to tell us she had changed her plans.

Anyway, My husband came upstairs and asked:

“Can you come downstairs?”

I said no.

Then:

“Can you at least come to the window and wave, mum wants to say bye?”

So several hours after a motorway accident, while 7 months pregnant and completely exhausted, I was being asked to come downstairs three flights or stand at the window so my MIL could have a goodbye.

Again, she still hadn’t actually asked me if I was okay. A few days later she sent me a weird cryptic message saying she came to see me but I didn’t come down and still no mention of my car accident and whether I’m actually okay.

And this is why I’m struggling to see this as just one bad evening.

There is a long history behind it.

Years ago, my MIL had a huge reaction when my husband wanted us to have our own home rather than live with his brother. She wanted my husband to buy a house with his brother so that they have a family asset. She called him selfish and guilt-tripped him that he was only thinking about his wife and himself when making a decision about buying a home with his wife. When we first married and lived with his family, his brother repeatedly shouted at me, including once when I made a dish incorrectly few days after getting married and he became angry enough that my husband had to intervene. On a seperate occasion he also screamed at me and told me I had “no rights” in the house because it belonged to his father.

My husband’s family still expect a huge amount of his time and availability. And my husband has recently admitted that there have been times when he knew their demands were unreasonable, but asked me to compromise because dealing with their reaction was exhausting for him.

He’s now recognising how much this has damaged me and our marriage and is trying to change things.

But after 6 years, I’m honestly exhausted by the feeling that my husband’s family can want something from him, and somehow it becomes something our marriage has to accommodate.

I don’t want him to cut off his family. I don’t want him to stop loving his mum.

I just want our marriage, our home and our baby to stop being treated as if they’re part of a family-wide negotiation.

Would this bother you, or am I completely overreacting?