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First time mums

Would you get a divorce or stay?

I’m posting anonymously because I’m really struggling and could use some perspective from other moms who have been through divorce or a difficult marriage.

I have a young daughter who’s 18 months old, and I’ve reached a point where I’m seriously considering divorce. This isn’t something I ever imagined for myself, especially with a baby, and I feel incredibly conflicted.

We’ve been married for 7 years. There have been things in my marriage that have made it very difficult for me to trust my husband. There has been significant financial secrecy, including a large amount of debt/losses ($200k) that I wasn’t aware of. Worst of all he claims he lost it trading (gambling). Our finances have largely been separate (which is what I wanted). So neither of us have access to each other’s accounts but I’m the saver in the family. He currently pays the mortgage and household bills. I pay for everything else. I’m now worried about what could happen to my savings and whether I could potentially become responsible for debts I didn’t know about.

We also had an agreement to both contribute to our daughter’s savings account that I opened for her future since we both work full time (he works 2 full time jobs in IT, so he makes more than double than I do). Both of us work from home. He stopped contributing as of July because he opened a Trump account for her which I have access to but he hasn’t been contributing there either.

There have also been incidents of verbal abuse from both sides to be fair. He called me horrible things and there was an incident where he made a fist-like gesture toward me while holding our daughter because I made a comment about him after he was speaking with his family (an ongoing issue: I don’t have a relationship with his family. His own brother who lives 20 minutes away from us, didn’t evn want to come to her first birthday because of pettiness). I have video evidence of some of the verbal abuse and other concerning behavior from our doorbell camera.

I am her primary caregiver. I’m with her every day, handle the majority of her care, and have been the consistent parent in her day-to-day life. One of my biggest fears is what divorce and custody could look like for her. I want to protect her, but I also don’t want to make a decision based solely on fear. We live in Colorado.

I’ve already spoken with three family-law attorneys, and all three recommended that I seriously consider divorce based on what I’ve told them. But hearing that doesn’t make the decision emotionally easier. I keep thinking about her being so young, the possibility of shared custody, our house, finances, and what life would actually look like afterward.

Part of me feels like I already know that I can’t continue living this way.

We don’t share the same bed, sleep with one another, he’s always gaming (annoys me so much) while working and when our daughter goes to bed or is just staring at his phone, even when he’s watching her when he’s done with work. We bicker a lot even in front of our daughter at times.

We recently went on vacation together which was a disaster, he snores and I couldn’t sleep so I asked him to sleep elsewhere he told me to shut the f up, I did the same to him. He even slammed my suitcase on the hotel room floor super close to our daughter.

Another part of me is terrified of blowing up my daughter’s family and regretting it.

For moms who have gone through divorce with a young child, especially when there was financial secrecy, emotional/verbal abuse, or concerns about custody: how did you know it was time to leave? What do you wish you had known before filing? And what helped you get through the guilt and fear of making such a huge decision?

I’ve offered to speak to him, he starts recording me because he claims all I do is insult him. I don’t feel comfortable being recorded.

I genuinely want honest experiences and perspective from moms who have been in a similar position. ❤️