TW: missed miscarriage and mention of living child

I went to a private scan on Friday night with my husband and toddler. I should have been 10 weeks but I was told there was no heart beat and the sac was measuring at 8 weeks. We’d had a private scan at 6 +4 that showed a strong heartbeat. I’m devastated and trying to wrap my head around the fact my body still thinks I’m pregnant and yet I’m not, and I’m not going to have my baby in May.

The next appointment the early pregnancy unit could offer me is Tuesday. This is the longest and most sad and horrific weekend / 3 days of my life. I’m still trying to be a mam alongside being reminded when I look at my little boy exactly what I’m miscarrying. I’m also wracked with worry about when it will happen, how it will happen, what if it happens before Tuesday and if it doesn’t happen naturally, what will happen then 😭

The words ‘I’m sorry but I can’t find a heart beat’ feels like it’s going to play in by brain on a loop forever.

And the worst part of it is, no one gets how painful this process is, how painful this grief is. Including me before I’m now going through it myself. I’ve already had two people say to me ‘everything happens for a reason’ but no reason could excuse the pain of losing everything I’d imagined and wished for.

I didn’t think I could ever cry this many tears. The torture of waiting is making everything feel worse 💔

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through something similar end of August. It's the most awful thing ever. Every grief is different though. There isn't much that can be said to make it better, and "everything happens for a reason" is probably well meaning, and I guess it's true, but it's so so not helpful. Here to offer sympathy and solidarity 🤍 The only think I'd add is (and I'm really trying to avoid the whole "time will heal" thing as it's also not helpful) that the hormonal surges really do make it feel more intense. Weirdly, afterwards, I stopped crying. I still feel the pain, and I could play the words that the sonographer said like a film, but the intensity is less, and I feel strong enough to move forward 🙏🏻

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