The first 6 months - my thoughts and words on it
Warning - Lengthy
Being a mother was always something I had wanted. I had envisioned this amazing feeling of love and instant bond at birth. I enjoyed my pregnancy and birth for the most part. Everyone said it was hard but it was rewarding- no one ever delved any further then a general statement about motherhood for first time mums. I knew it was going to be hard, I certainly did not think it would be a walk in the park . But 6 months in and im angry at all the mums that didn’t give us even a slight insight into what it was going to be like emotionally and psychologically. I birthed my baby and didn’t feel that overwhelming of joy and love that you see mums do in many birthing documentaries and videos - This being just as bad as false advertising for first mums. However I did feel that immediate need to keep him safe and healthy and happy though. The bond and love grew as the days and weeks went by and now I can’t imagine A life without him.
Another I’m angry about is that no one ever told me how hard breastfeeding would be - how you have to sell your body, mind and soul to the devil to breastfeed. The bonding experience is beautiful and I’m genuinely amazed at what females bodies can do but it’s not easy. It’s not as simple as putting a baby to your breast. I get touched out regularly, my breasts bare scratches and bruises and I have sore nipples at least monthly. I have to be mindful what clothes I wear and how I dress so that my boy has easy access to eat. Now being back at work I’ve taken on what I feel to be a full time job of pumping on its own. It’s very much a chore but I do it because I want to breastfeed my child and I’ve fought to do this. I work only 3 days a week, I pump 6 days a week - once a day on days off and multiple times on work days.
Then parenting well that’s a whole new life on its own. No one ever said being the mum you become the default parent and make all the decisions, and make sure the child receives all their immunisations, and attend all drs appointments and nurse and care for the baby when they are sick, and that you are the one to take time off work if they are sick. And that you have to schedule your day to day and week to week around your baby. That you are the parent to wake during the night for the baby while dad sleeps and goes about his life like nothing has really changed - working and sleeping. No one ever told me the amount of resentment you have that your husband/partner can just go about their daily life as if there hasn’t been a change in the world while you default parent attending to the child’s physical, social, emotional and psychological needs, hoping that they grow up to be emotionally intelligent, caring, kind, productive beings.
The first 6 months is tough and barely enjoyable for the most part - the sleep deprivation, the leaps, illness, the challenges with breast feeding, the night wakes, the guessing games to figure out why your child is upset or grissling and the stress and anxiety about whether you are doing everything possible for your baby. There are small glimmers of hope though, when they sleep a longer stint at night, when they smile at you, when they giggle at you and when they just stare into your eyes lighting your heart up then you know that it’s all worth it.
If you’ve made it this far well done and thank you for reading
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The breastfeeding part 🎯 I never thought it would be the rollercoaster journey it is. Some days I need my space and want my body back, other days I truly miss her and the bond we have. Moms on tv/movies just show smiling faces throughout the nursing journey but it takes a huge physical and emotional toll that is never spoken about
Oh boy, I related so hard to this ❤️
If nothing has changed for your husband or partner, it’s time for a come to Jesus talk. My husband’s life has changed just as much as mine has and he is an equally involved parent.
All of this!
I’m 5 and a bit months in… it’s been tough to say the least. Xxx
Everyone who is a parent knows that. You just don’t want to shit on someone’s parade, when you pregnant and excited. He just turned 1 and I’m miss the times when he was a baby. Does it get easier?! Not really. Teething, weaning, sleep regressions, tantrums on the way. Every nap and nappy change is a battlefield. I haven’t slept in a year. On the top of it maternity leave and childcare cost will financially drain you. Not mentioning unequal split of responsibilities
I don’t want to be a mum. I want to be a dad
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I can relate a lot. I’ve chosen to be truthful with expectant parents going forward as I also felt that resentment of not being told what it’s like. I decided on a couple of key things that would have helped me. I respectfully tell people about night number 2/3 when baby wakes up (called the night of trauma in my house 😏), cluster feeding if they choose to BF and the magic of skin to skin long after birth (as in weeks and months) for crying when nothing else works. Also- the joys of Mom/baby groups to share war stories.
If each of us tells one new mom in a respectful and kind way, we might make someone’s journey a little more informed X
The resentment to your husband part resonates with me so strongly!
He can go about like nothing much has changed; he can go for work drinks, go out, even simply walk to the shop without issue. I cannot and have to plan. And yet hes the one complaining how tired he is! Imagine! He doesnt do night feeds with me as baby is EBF.
Being the default parent is so hard
I Hope it gets easier for us all x
I waa angry as I only got told of negative things whilst pregnant and it made it hard to look forward to - all I got told about was the pain, sleepless nights, teething, tantrums etc etc. 18 months in and that's not been our experience at all! worried myself sick for nothing. Everyone has different experiences.
Couldn’t have write this better myself. You are so right about everything and yessss so hard and I too did not know how hard it actually was. Not sure why women act like this is just a walk in the park and normal stuff. It’s ROUGH !! Thank you for writing this ❤️
Exactly this!
I feel like I’ve been lied to about what a “gift” motherhood is. Not true, it’s something you work really, really hard for and sometimes seems overwhelming but ultimately is a beautiful thing.
I couldn’t agree more with your points though.
An instant bond at birth is not guaranteed.
You don’t “forget about the pain as soon as baby is born”. Recovery is a process that takes days/weeks/months/years.
The physical pain and psychological impacts of breastfeeding on the mother are wildly dismissed. Especially considering she is also recovering from massive bodily trauma at the time.
Resentment towards your partner for the disparity in responsibilities is justified.
I love my babies but its so hard and that’s something people don’t talk about enough.
Someone else on this thread said it perfectly - I don’t want to be a mum, I want to be a dad!
Ladies, let me preface this by saying I 100% agree with most of the above and completely understand every sentiment, I expressed them myself as a new mum many many times.
However, let’s just for a moment reframe this.
What about that instead of “having” to be the one, we “get to be the one”.
To our children we are the entire world, we are gods, we can and do make any needed miracle happen on a daily basis. We sacrifice our bodies and our minds, we provide a never quite run out pot of unconditional love and support, we literally create and sustain lives. We are fucking matriarch’s, queens, don’t resent the life you can lead, hold your head high and be proud of it. With much love.
Honestly feel exactly the same
YES.
Agreed!! 😂
I'm not mum yet, I'm 32 weeks and I already have the feeling women lied to me about pregnancy "it's amazing blah blah you will see it's amazing"......... None of them told me about all the symptoms and how hard is it physically and mentally. So I suppose it will be the same the the mum part. :) I cannot wait to discover, I'm so over pregnancy. :)
I had a really easy baby, I’m VERY lucky. But no one told me that I might not be able to breastfeed— literally everyone, every book, and every video told me that if I just kept at it, it would happen. Baby would learn to latch, my supply would increase and it would all work out. Well it didn’t. No supplement, drink, food, or magic potion worked for me. I power-pumped, I cluster-fed, I saw LCs, I used nipple shields, I bought a fancy pump that cost a small fortune, I tortured myself for months trying to breastfeed or at least pump, and I only produced about 2.5 ounces PER DAY.
Finally I gave it up and was so happy and relieved, but I was pissed that everyone just says “it’ll happen, it’ll work out! KEEP AT IT”.
Yes yes yes to the other mothers who wanted to "protect" us from the hard parts or maybe they straight up forgot. And breastfeeding! Goodness. 10w to latch and he still doesn't empty my breasts at 9m (dang teeth... He smiles right before he clamps down! This kid knows. If it weren't for his cmpa and formula shortages we'd be 100% formula already 😵💫)
I have the feeling other women forgot the hard time or just try to avoid to tell us just in case we don't want to give birth to babies ahahaah it's a reproductive strategy I'm sure. 🤣
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