Family feels entitled to my “experience” (aka my body)
I’m feeling really upset. We went to my parents’ house last night for Christmas Eve dinner. It was me and my husband, my parents, and my sister and her husband.
As soon as we got there, my sister and mom asked to touch my stomach. I’m 36 weeks pregnant today. I declined, and they started whining and asking why. I explained (for the millionth time this pregnancy) that I don’t want to be touched. This is nothing new. I have never liked being touched. Never liked being kissed. I have always had an issue with this my entire life and they know this. My family doesn’t kiss my cheeks or any other part of me because they know I don’t tolerate it. I hardly give hugs.
They kept bringing it up. We weren’t even there for 30 min before they brought it up again. My mom said I “have to” let my sister touch my stomach because she hasn’t felt my baby kick yet. Even though I was uncomfortable with it, I let my sister touch my stomach when we saw them for my gender reveal in November. She didn’t just touch me once. She kept her hand on me and kept laying her head against my stomach trying to hear my baby several times throughout the night. It made me really uncomfortable and she didn’t stop when I asked her to. So I learned my lesson and held my ground this time. I straight up told them not to mention it again or else I would take a break from seeing them for a few months (which means they wouldn’t get to see my baby, obviously, when she’s born in a few weeks).
My dad told my mom to drop it and she did for a few minutes. Then she kept asking to take photos of my stomach. She begged me to lift up my shirt so she could at least see, and I said no. I agreed to get a photo with my sister, and while we were getting the photo, my sister made the comment, “what if I just accidentally touch you?” And then reached for my stomach. I jokingly said, “what if I just accidentally do this?” And pretended to whack her on the head. Everyone laughed and that seemed to diffuse the situation. But god it just wouldn’t stop all night. All night they kept pretending to bump into me, trying to reach for me, begging me to let them touch me.
I was in a terrible mood because I’d been up since 9:30 am baking. I made a cake and a tart from scratch and it took 5.5 hrs and I was on my feet all morning. If I’m on my feet too long during this pregnancy, I end up messing up my lower back and am unable to walk or stand straight. Plus the pelvic pain and cramps. I also didn’t eat anything all day because I was busy baking, so I felt sick. So I was in a lot of pain and feeling very uncomfortable and disrespected.
I have a history of sexual assault and take bodily autonomy very seriously. I do not enjoy being touched. And I find it disgusting that they wouldn’t take no for an answer.
It was 10 pm and I finally blew up. I was calm at first. I told them that I’ve never liked being touched, they know this about me, and they need to stop overstepping my boundaries. It turned into a big fight. I made some off-handed comment about my sister and I not being close as kids and said something that apparently offended her. So then she was mad at me and I decided to just leave because I was sick of it.
Then I get this text from my mom this morning:
“Oh you are definitely heard and we are trying to respect the boundaries (that make sense). You don't want people touching your belly - fine but we are your mother & sister! Let us touch once snd then we won't want to do it again. We are your blood family - not strangers or acquaintances ! I don't think you have considered our feelings at all! This is my first grandchild and I'm excited too but you have cut me out of almost all of your pregnancy experiences.
I have raised 2 children snd gone thru 2 pregnancies so i am not stupid. I have experience with the things you are going thru and would help you in any way I could but you ignore me. Same with Jessi. She has never been around anyone who is having a Baby (and I suspect, it scares her) so she has lots of questions snd as her sister you could be sharing your experience with her. We are here to love and support you but you act like you hate us snd don't want us around.”
So because they’re “blood,” they’re entitled to my body? And because my sister has never been around a pregnant person, I’m supposed to—what? They act like it’s their experience and I’m ruining it by not letting them touch me or have access to my medical information. It’s MY experience. I’m the one who’s pregnant. No, their feelings don’t matter, it’s not about them. I was so sick with disgust when I received that message from her. Seriously, I just want to be left alone. Why am I responsible for making them feel “included” in something that’s not about them?
Side note—I got everyone Christmas presents that were grandma/grandpa and aunt/uncle themed. They were very thoughtful gifts and I did that to include them in this journey. So it’s not like I haven’t included them. I included them in the gender reveal too. Not sure what more they need.
My mom has been terrible to me this entire pregnancy because I haven’t asked her any questions about her experience or come to her wanting her advice. But I don’t need her advice. We’re not close, and I’m never going to run to her if I’m scared, worried, confused, etc. because we don’t have that relationship and she didn’t foster that relationship with me as a child. No, I don’t feel like I can come to you for advice or comfort. That’s on you because of the way you treated me growing up. And now you’re turning it around on me and you’re upset that I won’t come to you? I know she wants to feel important and needed, but I don’t need her. I have doctors to give me medical advice, google to answer my questions, and my husband and friends for emotional support. You can’t be upset that we’re not closer after YOU fostered an environment in which I didn’t feel safe to come to you as a kid. Oh well.
I’m just very upset. This has ruined my Christmas, but more importantly, I feel disrespected and the whole thing has left me feeling sick to my stomach. Their entitlement to touch me makes me physically ill. I’m a person. You don’t have a right to my body. It’s disgusting.
I guess I just wanted to vent and see if anyone else has gone through this. I know a lot of people don’t mind being touched, but I do. Has anyone else had a similar experience?
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I haven’t been through this however I absolutely can’t think you are being very reasonable!! Family or not they must respect your boundaries and in my mind a lack of respect for your personal boundaries is a lack of respect for you: you handled it calmly imo. You should tell your mom that regardless you do not want to be touched under any circumstances and the next time the subject is bought up again that you will have no choice but to distance yourself from them. If they can’t respect your boundaries now then how will they respect your wishes/boundaries around babe when they are born? Not the same situation exactly but we have nothing to do with my in laws because they couldn’t respect our boundaries around my son and they just would not listen so we cut them off. It’s so disrespectful when family think cos they are family they have rights and can make choices
My sisters have each been pregnant 3 times - I've never once asked or needed to touch their bellies
I don't get the fascination
Your body your wants
Xx
thank you for your insight and comment. I do also worry if they’ll respect my boundaries when baby is born. Since I’m so close to giving birth, I likely won’t see them again for a while, so I don’t think they’ll even have the opportunity to ask to touch me. But I’m sure there will be other rules once the baby is born that they’ll try to overstep. I feel bad because they’re older and I feel guilty cutting them out, but I really just want to be left alone and have some peace.
thank you, I completely agree. I’ve never felt the need to touch any pregnant person’s stomach. It’s so strange and uncomfortable to me.
I completely understand what you’re saying. I sent my mom & sister a video of me touching my belly then the baby kicking & my mom had responded saying she wanted to do that when I saw her & I saw no thank you. I know it bothered her cause my sister made a comment about it but like you said it’s your body. I have kept my pregnancy very low key the whole time & when my extended family found out at thanksgiving they were upset with me because I didn’t tell them sooner. The entitlement is REAL. I got a text from my aunt telling me she understands why I didn’t tell her because my situation isn’t ideal & that has nothing to do with why I didn’t tell anyone. I kept it between my bf & I, my sisters & mom because I didn’t want the unsolicited advice for anything. I am the baby of the family & everyone still thinks they can tell me how to live at 31. So this was something I could keep to myself & just enjoy with my bf. People’s feelings have gotten hurt but my priority is making sure I’m healthy
I’m also the baby of the family, so I get that 100%. Sending them a video is pretty inclusive, in my opinion, so that should honestly be more than enough for people. It’s not their experience, it’s ours. I’m sorry you’re also dealing with this. I’ve also received so much unsolicited advice from my mom. There are four major boundaries she’s crossed this pregnancy (and continued to cross after telling her to stop), so I’m pretty pissed off at this point. I feel like they ruined the experience for me because I’ll be giving birth in a few weeks and I won’t be sending them photos of my baby or including them in the experience because of what happened 😞
I 100% understand your struggle, for me I’ve had people who know my boundaries of no touching and they help enforce that. For my baby shower I had two people touch my stomach even after my mom told them not to. My mom went momma bear on them when she found out because I informed her that I didn’t feel like coming back and the shower hadn’t even started. Now with your mom being apart of the issue she wouldn’t be able to be your person, but I’m hopeful someone will. My BF is also my support person as I’ve informed him that I don’t want any visitors in the hospital, he and I have also agreed that if someone wants to meet baby after she’s born that they need to either bring a meal for us (freezer friendly, take out, etc.) or they need to offer to help us in someway. Our reason for it is as new parents we are adjusting and we need to be able to get used to the change. If people don’t want to help us get used to the change then they can wait to meet her until we’re more established.
I understand what you’re saying & I’ve become hesitant to even share photos of my baby’s face once he/she is born because I fear someone posting before me if I decide to post on social media at all. You’re definitely not alone, but at the end of the day, we just have to do our best to stand our ground even if we feel backlash. But it almost feels like we’re doing something “wrong” in a way 😔
the help or meal is a good boundary to set! I didn’t think of that!
I’m so sorry to hear that those people disrespected your boundaries that way, especially at your baby shower. That’s so great that you have people who can provide support in that way for you. My husband doesn’t like conflict and refuses to defend me in any situation with my family, but when my mom asked him “you’re at least going to film the birth, right?” he said “uh….no?” And gave her a weird look. And then she backtracked because she was embarrassed and was like “oh, I mean yeah, but you’ll take photos?” Everyone in my family really respects my husband and sees him as this super grounded, smart, calm person, and so I know that if he were to agree with me in front of them instead of behind closed doors, they would back off, but he just can’t. It’s so frustrating. But I also agree with you about the pp boundaries. I’ve already told my family that I won’t have any visitors for at least a month after baby is born, probably longer. They were suspiciously ok with it.
I have that fear as well. We’re afraid to send photos of baby to my husband’s dad because he will likely send them to MIL, who is cut off and blocked on socials. He gave her our wedding photos (even though they’re divorced and hate each other, so idk why he’s even talking to her), which he downloaded off of my Facebook, and she printed them out. I don’t want her having photos of my baby. But yeah, we’re made to feel like we’re doing something wrong by setting a boundary. These are grown adults who don’t understand the word “no” and that baffles me.
Nope. Boundaries are boundaries. Blood or not. I don’t particularly like people touching my belly, I’ve been obligated to let them when they ask politely, but even then, I’ve made it clear it’s something I’m uncomfortable with and have been respected. Their title to your child doesn’t entitle them to behave this way with you.
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