broken and ready to flee
my husband of 4 years has literally broken me in this pregnancy/postpartum season.. i dont think he is worth fighting for anymore.
pre-baby, he was affectionate and playful. I think my roller coaster of emotions combined with our lack of intimacy (doctors orders) during my high risk pregnancy rendered us both a little crazy, then the sleep deprivation kicked in after the baby was born making me feel Ive been wandering around in a haze for the past 22 months --(yes 22 months.. the baby was up every few hours until then and will be 2 soon - shes a very fussy, excitable, sensitive, intelligent and exhausting handful who still breastfeeds and cosleeps with me-- hubby sleeps in her nursery so he feels well rested for work).
Many times he criticized me when Ive said Ive needed a break, or when the house has been messy, and because I dont cook much (though before the baby he always said he preferred to cook his native country food). he barely helps with the baby and creates more messes than the baby in the little bit of time he's home -- he's usually gone 7am to 7pm. I often feel like Im a married single mother looking after 2 children and teleworking part-time on top of that to pay half the rent while the baby stays home with me.
my husband is no longer affectionate or playful. he seems constantly stressed and blames me for his moods, even though I havent tried to nag him. i just feel like Im being ignored and he doesnt respect the few things i ask for. he has some depression stemming from family issues since over a decade and often had low moods before the baby, but now trying to blame me for his unresolved issues and recent beer habit. Ive dragged him to a few couples counseling sessions and have asked him to try individual counseling to work out the family trauma, but he's always so resistant. he says he still loves me and doesnt want to get a divorce but doesnt make efforts to change the behaviors Ive repeatedly discussed with him over the years, including the messes, casino trips, and financial irresponsibility.
very recently, i told him i wanted to take a girls trip with my best friend for a week, who is a single mom. it would be my first time away from the baby more than a few hours and he agreed to take off work to to watch after her while I traveled. it gave me great anxiety thinking about leaving the baby for the first time, but i feel like i am falling apart and will completely lose it if I dont get some alone time soon-- I have been nonstop babyrearing since birth and dont have relatives nearby to help.
long story short, since discussing the girls trip with hubby and buying the plane ticket, he has taken to randomly disappearing at all hours of the day or night during his time off, and ignoring my messages when I try to get in touch with him, thus neglecting his child and abandoning his responsibilities aa a husband/father. he swears hes not "doing anything bad," but Im so exhausted by the behavior that Ive literally stopped caring. the past month i havent given him sex, because I literally dont trust him anymore and dont want to risk an accidental pregnancy with someone I no longer love. after crying so many nights while he has slept peacefully in the other room, I am coming to terms with the fact that I feel almost nothing for the man I married at the moment. i pray that he grows up and changes soon, but dont want to wait around foŕ his growth while my mental, spiritual, and physical health continues to decline to its worse point (I am carrying 30 more pounds than I am comfortable with since dealing with PPD that started 5 months after the baby was born.)
my relatives say we need to work out our issues because he "isnt cheating or beating" (and the cheating part i cant even say with certainty), but the emotional abuse and blaming and disappearing acts have brought me to a tipping point. my girls trip is only weeks away and i hate that he is behaving like this just before, perhaps to show his disapproval. i am livid, and fantasy thoughts cross my mind that if he tries to do anything to sabotage my trip, i will literally take the baby with me and not come back. thats how disconnected I am, and Im someone who craves stability and balance. i dont know, Im just broken and questioning my relationship and if there were signs i missed in our dating stages that he had potential to be this inconsiderate, selfish asshole. this is never what i wanted or expected in a marriage, and unfortunaely i dont think he's motivated or mature enough to admit his part in the state of our relationship and try to work on himself. I dont have the energy to stop gim from 'spiraling'-- its like he's misbehavingn on purpose to act out. the only thing thay gives me a shimmer of hope is that he is a decent father to our child, when he DECIDES he wants to be. unfortunately, I no longer consider him a decent husband, just an extra chore and source of stress.
thank you for reading. just releasing this already makes me feel better- I appreciate any words of encouragement you can offer.
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I'm going throught the same emotions. I've lost the love I once had for my husband. I'm just waiting for a good time to leave. Since I handle the finances (and everything else for that matter), I want to make sure that he and I are both in a good financial standing before I break the news that I want to leave. My husband is a manipulator and never takes responsibility for his actions. "Everything is my fault". So I've kinda taken on the role of acting as a single mom to see where that gets me mentally.
On a different note, you could always go through marriage counseling to see if that would open his eyes.
@Brytni thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are able to leave peacefully and in perfect timing. i feel like Ive been makingg an exit plan for at least a year, praying for the best while preparing for the worst, and have saved up a good amount while occasionally looking at apartments to rent. I too have been acting like a single mom the past 2 months and it has helped me feel that we'll be okay if we go that route. I stopped wearing my ring last month and my husband hasnt even noticed; he still wears his. i will give counseling one last try after the vacation, and already started telling close friends that the end of the year will be my personal deadline for deciding whether our not to continue our marriage. I will file for divorce in January if nothing has progressed, and by then I should have picked up more hours to support myself 100% at a new place. I will keep your situation in prayer!
I stopped wearing my ring over a year ago and my husband doesn't even ask about it. I'm with you! Hang in there and make the best decision for you and your child!
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