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CRAP Moms: Cultivate Calm, Resilience & Patience

I’ve really messed up

Hi so I’ve messed up big time and I don’t know what to do basically it’s such a long story I’m going to try break it down, 2 weeks ago me and my partner found out I was pregnant my baby is only 5 months and was born at 24 weeks with a lot of problems and I was told I was lucky and the chance of both me and the baby surviving if I carried again was low so obviously I was confused didn’t know what to do partner wnated to keep the baby but said he understood if I didn’t I just didn’t know he went to his parents and asked them (that was a whole other kettle of fish) I told my friends in group chat but didn’t tell my partner this, I’m not sure why I didn’t I think because I had been telling him I didn’t want people to know but told them in the spare of the moment because I was so nervous anyway fast forward a few days and we decided we are keeping the baby and will deal with what comes we agreed to keep it quiet for now but I fucked up and I told my friends because they where asking and asking because obviously they knew about the possible abortion! He told his parents we where keeping baby and we become happy about it but the other day I left my phone in the bathroom and he was in there on the toilet i was looking for it and he shouted are you looking for your phone it’s in here he then opened the door and he had both mine and his phones open he was playing a game we both play on our phones I thought nothing off it apart from yesterday he asked if they knew I was pregnant I don’t know why but I said no, this morning he said have you told them yet and I said no again! I don’t know why I didn’t just say yes I just automatically answered he then followed with a I’m not bothered you know but I still didn’t say anything he’s just asked me again and I just sorted shook my head! Why did I lie again!!!! I’m so mad at myself I now know I’ve got myself in shit for just not been honest! I never lie I’ve never lied to him in my life! He’s told me lies before even recently and I got so upset so why have I done this! I feel so stupid I should of just admit it! Anyway the reason I think I’m in more in trouble is I think he went through my phone and that’s why he keeps asking because he knows I told them without speaking to him and he knows I’m lying but he won’t admit it because we both have a BIG rule about going on each others phones without permission we both feel it’s a lack of trust and if we ask that’s fine but not without asking so I think he’s done that but can’t admit he’s done it so can’t confront me about lying and I don’t know how to get out of the lie without telling more lies or completely breaking his trust!