Am I going crazy or is this wrong
My SO and I are not getting along at all. We fight literally every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. Mostly it’s because when he’s handling baby, he gets stressed and that exerts into demands like, “can you get the bottle ready? Why is it taking so long? Is the bottle ready? he’s fussing. Do you seriously think it’s okay for our son to be cold like this?”
Context, when he’s taking care of baby, I follow him around, I wait on him by helping him with everything he needs- bottles, changing diapers, where to find things, all while he just paces around holding baby and telling me these things.
I tell him that he doesn’t have to say I’m a bad mom. He insinuates it by saying this kinda stuff all the time. No matter what, he’ll always find a way to say something along the phrases above. Am I going crazy or is this putting someone down when they’re already down about their baby crying.
More context, for instance today, we’re visiting my hometown this weekend and it’s a little cold outside. I did all the packing, including my SO’s, LO’s and mine, I made sure I packed heavier outfits including mitts, a flannel jacket and socks; I mentioned numerous times he does not have a heavy jacket and asked if we could get him one at the store before this trip (only one working car and he works and I don’t, so I feel like I have to ask for permission with money stuff); and we were doing tourist stuff at the outdoor market, we took him out of the stroller and blanket for ONE picture, my SO insisted on holding him because he misses him and works all the time so this is his vacation and time to hold and spend with him. When that happened, baby started fussing. SO claims I thought it’s okay for our son to be out in the cold without a plan, following my parents outside in the cold. My parents walked ahead to get to a store and my mom is currently recovering from cancer so she’s a slower walker, so naturally they thought to walk ahead to basically keep up. They forgot to mention to us the exact location of the store. I didn’t know where the exact location of the store was. All the while, I’m being ordered around in public on how slow it’s taking for the bottle to warm up and how I shouldn’t be okay with our son being in the cold like that.
Later, we leave and on the drive home, I cry silently in the back (he’s told me numerous times before, “why the hell are you crying? Why are you always crying? Why do you always have to cry?” And made it sound like crying is unacceptable so now I keep it to myself), and even then, I’m the one to blame because my parents are looking at my SO with judgy eyes because their daughter is crying in the back.
I’m seriously trying to figure out if I’m actually going crazy here because he literally will tell me something happened and I have no recollection of it going the way he describes it going. I literally feel like I sometimes should record him talking at me because I honestly feel like I’m being gaslit here. I feel like you should not talk to anyone that way, let alone the mother of your child. Am I crazy or like… you don’t have to tell someone their a bad parent, you can say it without actually saying it, by your constant actions and putting down…
Help. I am hitting my breaking point and I don’t know what to do. I gave up my entire life, moved to another state, quit my job, left behind all my friends and family, and everything for this baby and our family. I told him I love my boyfriend that empowered me. I don’t love the person that controls me, manipulates me and makes me feel like shit.
He still stands behind certain things and says sorry for talking to me that way, he’s still working on it. But for him to stand behind the fact that it was cold and he was the only one looking out for our sons best interest, is still making me second guess myself. Making me think I’m not a good mother. Idk. I really don’t know.
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Never think you’re a bad mother. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.. I’m dealing with a similar situation. If you ever want to talk, I will lend my ear. Best wishes.
It sounds very much like gaslighting but also like he might be taking his stress out on you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, specially considering you moved your life for this. Is there a medical professional you might be able to speak to? Your doctor? They might direct you to resources to help. Right now sounds like you need a strong support system.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Reminds me of my narcissistic ex boyfriend. How long have you been together? He might be a narcissist. They start off by love bombing you and making you feel so special and then switch to the behavior you've explained. They love being in control so having the car and finances solely is going to keep you right where he wants you. It's absolutely not okay to be crying and having him make you feel bad about it. Unfortunately with these kinds of people even if you did record they will find a way to flip it around on you- You're the crazy one for recording, you're being overdramatic and suddenly their feelings are hurt for you doing that. This is one hundred percent not okay and don't let him break you down hun! You don't need someone like that in your life. It's tough but you need to put your baby and you first.
It's not your fault. You are an amazing mother! It's not your fault he is failing to be responsible for himself, like an adult, (he seriously cannot pack his own bag?) and is forcing you to baby him. You have two babies. It's not your fault. My ex was like that, and it is only luck (and birth control hallelujah) that I didn't get pregnant by my alcoholic jerk ex. My best advice is reach out to your family and friends. They love you and miss you. You need love right now.
There's a good chance he's also experiencing post partum mood changes. Having said that it doesn't excuse how he's treating you. Please stand up for yourself. Leave the house next time he speaks to you that way. Either with the baby or without. He's being an ass tbh. Remind him his tone with you is teaching your son what kind of tone to take with his parents in the future.
Don't ever uproot your entire life for some BF. He hasn't made any real commitment to you, and you've just become an appliance in his life. He wants a family? Require that he change his entire life, too. You seem to be the only one making these sacrifices. Take back control of your life.
I agree with . If you can, please leave the house or excuse yourself when he acts like that. Unless otherwise, he should be fine and figure his shit out with the baby. After all, that’s his baby too.
I know I’ve made him sound like a narcissist and controlling by finances, my car, my job, but those were decisions we made together. We had a ton of car troubles this year, so when one wasn’t working, luckily the other was. It just happened that one of our cars was always out this year so far. He’s been working tirelessly on fixing his car / getting it fixed so I can have mine back. The finances, we keep separate and we do them together. I have my own business with which I am still working on and take clients.
I agree that he could be experiencing his own ppd and also taking all his stresses out on me. We’ve had many talks about this.
It’s extremely hard for me to stand up for myself even further when we are fighting because we both just get so upset and start being rude to eachother. I have my own faults I know that. However, I also agree he shouldn’t be talking to me that way. I ask him if he hears himself talking to me like that and he replies that’s just how he talks.
In my mind, that’s still not fair. I don’t care if you say “that’s just how I talk,” that’s just not how one person treats another person.
Especially someone that uprooted their life and feels like they’ve made way more changes than he has, or continues to support him during his shifts with baby, or someone that basically takes the shifts because he’s “too tired” and “his back hurts”. Like… so does mine, so am I, but you don’t see me complaining about everything and taking it out on you. I just do the freaking tasks that need to get done and learned to not ask for help.
I’m definitely feeling the ppd and mental load. The fact that women are put under so much pressure with little to no help, regardless of people saying they help by doing dishes or whatnot. In my mind, youre not helping if you’re just making it worse with your attitude and hurtful words. That stuff negates the help for me. Is this wrong for me to think…?
Option 1: write down your feelings as i feel you’ve articulated all thoughts much better on paper. In case a discussion goes In a different direction, it’s always easier to hand him a letter/email/texts
If this works and you can, TALK!
Communication is key.
Option 2: if it’s possible try couples therapy?
You’re hurting and might forgive easy, but always think about the weight words carry. “They will treat you the way you allow yourself be treated.” So treat yourself with lots of respect and love.
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