Drama over not letting my MIL hold my baby

So today my FIL and MIL invited us for lunch. Now normally I would not go out on a workday (work 5pm-12am x3 week) bc i usually like to spend the day with my baby (4mo) during the day. Thats the point of my work schedule. But my husband really wanted to spend the day with them. Even though they were coming home at 4:30p to take care of my baby until her bedtime at 7pm To give some background info. I feel that my MIL is jealous of me having a baby girl and her wanting more of her attention. She always wanted a daughter but only had two sons. I feel like she has always acted like she finally had the girl she never had. And has crossed boundaries multiple times which have really added to me not liking her very much (like being angry I did not let her see baby right after she was born, not giving baby back when ive asked, among other things) Today she asked multiple times to hold the baby as soon as i took her out of her stroller. I ignored her the first time and she kept saying she wanted to hold my baby. I said i wanted to hold her a little. I always feel extra clingy when i know i have to leave for work. I wont even let my own mother hold her if she comes early to babysit. After a bit, husband jumped in and told me to give baby to her. I felt like i had no choice but to give her baby. She kissed my baby and I just ignored it bc why more drama? Then she looked at me to make sure i didn’t notice. She took baby outside (husband told her to bc she was crying) and gave me anxiety at the thought of her being with my baby alone. He obviously wants her to have the same relationship with my baby than my family. Baby for some reason is more comfortable with my mother and sisters than with MIL. Honestly, i feel like bc i cant stand her and she keeps crossing boundaries, I am not wanting her to hold my baby. Also she was coming to my house to take care of her that same day anyway. Anyway on our way home, my husband told me that I made the situation tense by telling his mother I wanted to hold my baby. I was so mad and honestly I really dont want her holding my baby bc of how she has acted with me after i gave birth and being entitled to my baby. Ive had multiple conversations of why his mother’s actions or comments towards me have been inappropriate in the past. And so hard for him to talk to his mother about it. Soo the fact that he jumped in so quickly made me mad. I can tell he just does not want his mother’s feelings to get hurt. She is honestly obsessed. Heard her brother talking about how she drives him crazy bc of how obsessed she is with my baby. She wanted baby to be born on her birthday and suggested baby had her same name and middle name. She has her own nursery at home and my husband had to ask her to stop telling us to let my baby stay with her. I feel like my husband’s and BIL relationship with her is enmeshed and Im afraid she will try to do the same with my daughter. I still try to behave and i let her baby sit once a week. Still today she broke boundaries and texted her sister to also come visit my baby while i was at work. Without even asking. She also did this when I gave birth and had a strict visit schedule to avoid multiple visitors at once. Her sister came in when I was just days PP and said “baby was going to be hysterical just like mom”. So the fact that she invited her to come visit while she was babysitting at my house makes me furious. My husband told her she needed to ask permission first. But like he did not get mad or anything and even told me while laughing. Ive literally had fights with my mother about doing this bc i know how important of a boundary it is for him. I am hating her more each day and unfortunately this is my daughter’s grandmother. Regardless, she has been a great mother to my husband and even though their relationship is enmeshed, she is always there for him and gave him a better childhood I ever had. I really wanted my baby to connect with my husband’s family but my MIL and her sister act like this baby is theirs (or so I feel) and now I kinda try to avoid them from being with my baby. Im fine with everyone else. Are my actions wrong? Am I being one sided? Is it normal to hate your MIL even though she has not done something extreme? Is it normal to want baby to spend more time with your own family? HELP!

Show your support

Sounds like you may have some anxiety leaving your baby which is understandable seems as they are only 4mo. Maybe try to explain outside of an emotional visit that you are still anxious and not always ready to leave them so just trying to get as much time with baby as possible. It’s natural to prefer your own family as you are more comfortable with them. I think maybe let your husband know how your feeling again and try to get him to see it from your side a bit more, especially with her crossing boundaries

I think you and your MIL could both handle this better, to be honest. It sounds like you’re fixating on some quite minor things and letting them get in the way of what could be a really positive relationship. I really wish we had family nearby who could do some childcare for us - that really is a blessing. However your MIL could tone down her enthusiasm a bit too and be more understanding of new motherhood. Have you sought any support for your anxiety? Did you have similar issues before or has this come on since you’ve had baby?

@Sophie I totally agree

Your baby's only 4m old. Why are they trying so hard to get time with baby like this? I can totally understand that you'd want to hold your baby before you go for work. She's coming over anyways, why can't she just let you have baby until you go for work? It's literally your baby lol husband doesn't need to tell you if you should hand baby over to his mom or not. It's literally your baby lol you can let her hold baby if you want. And definitely not ok to be kissing your baby if you're not ok with that. Like she's trying to kiss baby without you seeing?? That's not ok. I think you've posted before because that comment from your mil's sister, I think I've read that before. Honestly, baby is only 4 months old, you're only 4 months post partum, I think the anxiety you're feeling is normal. People should be making it easier for you, so it makes sense that you trust your family and feel better around them more than mil. Your husband needs to understand how you're feeling.

Also, maybe it would be a good idea to discuss these feelings with your doctor. I used to have such bad anxiety that my body would shake around people that wouldn't respect boundaries, kept trying to kiss baby when I already said no, etc. Doctor might help you cope with these feelings

@Sophie Well honestly it was all great up until i gave birth. Then it has been a cluster of small details as you say like getting mad for not being at the hospital when she was born. Saying she was there to visit baby not to see me. Then asking me to let her take baby to her home at 3 weeks old and then not liking that we said no. Coming home to visit while i was PP and wanting to sit in a chair to hold baby and not even asking if i ate or helping around the house at all. Then inviting her sister over. Making comments as if i did not care that baby was crying (i just did not want to take baby from her). Then when i did take baby bc she was crying she would not let me have her. Referring to my baby as her baby. Getting jealous that baby searches for me in the room while she tries to get her attention and telling me to go away lol. Posting my pregnancy on social media without asking. Then posting my birth on social media after we asked her not to.

Constant comments on baby looking like her son which is annoying. Telling me “Everything is not about you” when i commented baby was staring at me while she was holding her. Telling me i could do whatever i wanted with my body but not while carrying her grandchild bc i wanted to order dessert at a restaurant while having gestational diabetes (I always took care of this). Just little comments like that which are unnecessary and annoying. What can i do to work on this? I do feel i may be fixating on the small details but just cant get over it.

With the additional context it does sound like she’s being hard work! But is she taking care of your baby for free and do you rely on that childcare? Because that would make a difference in how I’d proceed

@Sophie no i have plenty of people in my family wanting to take care of baby. I leave a spot once a week for her to bond with my baby. But its getting annoying. I had to do a schedule bc she started to schedule her babysitting days with my husband and not consider my mom also wanted to babysit. She is usually pretty good at correcting behavior once my husband talks to her. Just difficult to getting him to do it. And i dont think i would be able to do it without it coming off the wrong way.

Fair enough then, your baby isn’t a toy to be passed around to satisfy others. I think @Autumn ‘s way of putting things is good 😊

Also my husband makes sure i give her equal opportunities to babysit lol he def loves his mama. I can be pretty harsh specially with my family when they cross my boundaries. I guess im annoyed i cant deal with this the same way bc they are his family. He is very sweet and has a great way of communicating things in a way that no-one gets offended. But yea we def do not need her to baby sit. I would look bad tho if only my fam would do it. I dont want her to feel excluded either

@Autumn i am so bad at this. But i will try to at least write it down as a text message and not send it. To see if i get the courage. Any other recommendations on how to put this down in words without coming off the wrong way, I would greatly appreciate.

Currently gone the entire night without sleeping just thinking about how all of this affects me every time. So yea I would say she gives me anxiety lol

I’ve read the whole thread and think your MIL has definitely over crossed the line which is why you have anxiety … I think you should take some time your MIL in a public place (less likely for it to turn sour), explain how you feel, in a respectful way. Explain that you have anxiety about leaving your baby as she’s so young, list of the things she’s done that have made you feel uncomfortable & explain why, like for example saying that everything isn’t about you, she has no right to take away the small moments that make motherhood special. But also make it clear that you’re grateful for her and that you will never take away that she is your child’s grandmother just as your mum is, that you would like her to support you in the journey as first time parents not try and take over. I think if done in a mature way & hopefully met with a positive attitude it could make her respect you a lot more maybe x

I feel like this conflicts with the other comments, but I feel like your husband should support you, not your MIL. And I feel it's appropriate to set boundaries with anyone who makes you feel this way, family or not, you are not "required" to allow boundaries to be crossed, in your home, especially.

Try today for free

Scan the QR code and join the app
to connect with women at a similar stage in life.

Download Peanut to connect with women at a similar stage in life.

Star Star Star Star

Trusted by 5M+ women