Depression, anxiety and husband

I’ve been suffering since Christmas time with depression and anxiety (lo is 16 weeks). The perinatal mental health team are supporting me and a plan is in place so hopefully I’ll be feeling better soon.

My husband is wonderful in many ways (looking after baby, helping round the house etc) but he can get very frustrated at me for not being myself and say some comments that upset me.

I know he is trying to understand but he doesn’t and he says things that make me feel a million times worse. For example, I was trying to settle lo and put her to bed. He said ‘let me do it, I can settle her better then you because you’re not well’. I then got incredibly worked up and upset because this made me feel like a shit mum (which I normally wouldn’t get worked up about -obviously I’m not myself at the moment) and then because I was crying and all over the place, he called me crazy. I know this is because this isn’t how I would normally react so he’s caught off guard and surprised at my behaviour. But This of course has made me feel like I am crazy.

I know he meant these comments more off the cuff and I’m looking into it deeper than I would normally and I also know he didn’t mean them that i am crazy, he more meant don’t act crazy. But he says things like this frequently and it upsets me and he gets frustrated with me for being upset.

I know this is lack of understanding and he’s not the most sympathetic person either and I know he’s not trying to be rude. But I don’t know how to explain to him that what he says makes me feel worse. Whenever I bring it up, even when we’re both calm, he takes it that I’m being over the top and that I’m blaming him for how I’m feeling and he gets very defensive and argumentative.

Any advice on how to approach this or what to do would be great. Thanks

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I'd tell him don't say stupid shit if he didn't want to win stupid prizes. People who are perfectly mentally stable will not hear comments like that and be ok, so someone going through PPD absolutely won't either. I honestly feel like you're being much more understanding and supportive of him than anyone going through what you are would ever be expected to do I applaud you. Also him being defensive when you try to discuss things and set boundaries is problematic at best.

I'm so sorry you're going through your own mental struggles, on top of taking care of your sweet baby. The changes we women go through before and after birth is so overwhelming that it really shouldn't be brushed off. Just know acknowledging this and seeking support doesn't make you any less of a great mom. You're an amazing mom and women for it!

Regarding your issue 🤨(the face I had when I read his comments). If someone said those words to me(or anyone else) they would feel exactly how you're feeling...hurt! Your feeling/reaction wasn't over the top at all.

Accountability is hard for a lot of people, and know you are being accountable for your actions and needs. Unfortunately your husband isn't playing a positive role in the area that sometimes hurts the most...WORDS. His lack of empathy and verbal support is only hindering you. Being told/reminded constantly that you're 'crazy', 'acting crazy' or even 'not well' isn't going to help you or him in the long run.

I wonder if his response to when you're overwhelmed is fear. If so, maybe approach the conversation from a place of "I want to be the best version for you and the baby — but what I find sets me back is when I hear comments like xyz. I know you don't mean to be rude or degrading but in those moments it really takes me down." If not, maybe ask him to join you in one of your support meetings

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Ok, this might get a bit long, and a bit bumpy, so get comfy and buckle up.

So about a week or 2 ago, there was a post on here regarding sleepovers. Not letting their child go to them as you can't trust who'll be at the house etc.

Now, given recent incidents in nurseries and schools, plus my own experience back in the 90s, I am more concerned about sending my child to nursery and later school than I am to a friend's house for a sleep over.

The other day a man was jailed for abusing children at the nursery he worked at. A woman has been arrested for sleeping with an underage boy and then getting pregnant by a different underage boy while on bail for the first offence.

Young girls and boys get sexually harassed and bullied when at school, not all of them. But more than you think. And not just by other kids, but by adults who we as parents are trusting to look after our kids.

A sleepover, is a more controlled environment, with only a handful of people coming into contact with your child. A school, a club etc there can be 100s of people coming into contact with your child.

I was targeted at 7 years old by the owner of a prominent private school. Thankfully, I wasn't SA'd. In year 5 of primary school, I started to develop early, I was harassed by the boys and teachers made remarks about how my uniform didn't fit right, always "adjusting it" around my chest and legs.

Years 7-9 of secondary school were hell. But it was all under the guise of "we're just messing around". A teacher twanging my exposed bra strap (none uniform day) is not "messing around".

Boys pinning me down trying to rip open my shirt to see my breasts.

I fear for my daughter. I hope she takes after my father's family, flat chested.

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