Complete freak out after first perineal massage

Just remember when the time comes our bodies are flooded with the right hormones to relax all of those muscles, you will be fine. Try to watch/read some positive birth stories.

Hi lovely - you are allowed to say no to vaginal exams (if that's what you're referring to when you say "plenty of people"). VE only estimate how many centimeters dilated you are, you can ask the midwife to check using a mirror instead which is far less invasive ❣️

I’m so sorry you felt like that and it is normal to be afraid of the unknown. My hormones were setting me off lately even about the smallest things..
However, our bodies are made for this and you can do it! That definitely does not mean you will tear at all.
I haven’t tried it yet but heard that it’s a pretty uncomfortable feeling (about to start in the next couple of days so I’m sure I will react exactly the same). During classes we were told if we want our partners to do it they should use index fingers instead of thumbs as their thumbs are a lot bigger and also water based lube (not sure if that would help, but maybe worth a try if you ever feel like trying again).

Perineal massage isn't proven to do anything really about tearing. If you are going to tear there isn't anything you can do about it but with everything going on in giving birth you won't even notice until you are told you have torn. As said above you can say no to the vaginal exams

I felt exactly the same! I wasn’t really nervous about birth until the first massage and then I thought if I can’t cope with this how will I cope with a baby coming out! Only ended up doing the massage about 3 times and haven’t done it since!

Agree that you can turn down VEs - they’re just a snapshot in time and not a guarantee that just because you are 2cm now you will be 5cm in 3 hours or whatever.
The green midwife has this guide to advocating for yourself (or your birth partner) if you’re worried about saying No

https://www.instagram.com/p/Ch7t0k2DHVf/?igsh=aXNmbXJsbGY1NnV0

She’s a welcome presence on my timeline ☺️ love her posts

If it helps at all, I found perineal massage awful but the exams were absolutely fine x

I never did perineal massage with my first, I didn't tear or need any stitches I just 'grazed', my daughter was also born back to back. I find it seems to bit a bit like stretch marks... if you're going to get them, there's no amount of creams that will stop them, same with tearing I feel, if you're going to tear you'll tear regardless of massage potentially x

You really don’t need to do perineal massage, or have any vaginal examinations if you don’t want to💛
Please don’t stress yourself.
There’s a good ‘The Midwives Cauldron’ podcast episode about perineals xx

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-midwives-cauldron/id1523178579?i=1000492153504

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-midwives-cauldron/id1523178579?i=1000558000726

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-midwives-cauldron/id1523178579?i=1000609434169

You don’t have to accept VEs, I’m not. They’re not evidence based, they don’t predict when you’re going to give birth, they are just a snap shot in time that also increases risk of infection https://www.instagram.com/p/CPiJI2rAv4g/?igsh=MW1jZ2ZiMTV2dmM3eQ==

2nd time mum here! I did some perineal massage with my first and also found it really triggering, painful and awful! Completely freaked me out too! Same with trying to harvest colostrum - really painful and couldn’t get any which made me very anxious about my ability to breastfeed etc! I went on to have a totally uncomplicated vaginal delivery without any pain meds (not even paracetamol or gas and air). I didn’t have a big tear (I did have one but it was minor and I can’t even tell you where it was) and I breastfed my daughter for 6 months with no issues 💖! Please don’t let this put you off or stress you out! It’s completely different in the moment and you will cope just fine 💪🏼🫶🏼! If perineal massage isn’t for you, that’s ok! Xx

Wow. What incredibly comforting and helpful advice from you all. I feel SO much better! Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how helpful it’s been to read all your messages ♥️

Also very much found perianal massage very uncomfortable but I did not find the vaginal exams uncomfortable!