Husband and fourth trimester(long rant)
I feel so frustrated.
My daughter was born less than a month ago and she is our second and final baby. I've always wanted to breastfeed my children but it didn't work out with my son. My daughter has done incredible with it since birth though. I nurse her for all feedings and my husband's gives her pumped milk for 1 feeding each night so I can sleep.
Well my husband keeps repeatedly pushing me to give her a bottle for night feeds instead of breast feeding because he swears she sleeps longer (Which is not true but regardless, he also only does 1 feed per day so I don't understand why it matters to him as he is only waking up once to feed her) & but I'm getting so frustrated because he keeps pushing even when I say no and now I feel like he just wants me to exclusively pump again like I did for my son (which also destroyed my mental health for the 3-4 months I managed to do that)
He also made a comment a week ago that I think he meant jokingly but I can't get it out of my head and it's making me feel awful, he told me that clearly our daughter is my favorite, as if I don't love my son anymore which is far from the truth.
I'm also doing our daughters bedtime routine alone every night, he has never participated in her bath time. The only diapers he changes of hers are the one at the overnight feed he does. I asked him to change a diaper for me the other day and he disappeared for 20 minutes. When I said something, he said he thought I was joking?! Once asked he grab a new sleeper for her, he said yes, never moved so I got it 30 minutes later and when I mentioned it, he said I never asked. He did wake up with our toddler at 6;30 everyday and usually changes 1-2 poopy diapers before I get up with our daughter an hour later (toddler is pee potty trained) - but my husband says he changes those diapers so he doesn't need to do our daughters as hers aren't even as bad.
Then today I was using a hand pump on one breast while nursing my daughter on the other, my husband was putting our son down for a nap. He comes in to tell me our son wants me to read him a book. I said okay but it's gonna be a little bit since I'm pumping and nursing. In an annoyed tone, he says well our son will get out of bed by then anyway as if it's my fault and I need to drop everything because it would inconvenience him if I don't. So I did and my daughter was screaming for food for 10 minutes while I read a book to my son because she had to stop eating mid feed.
Yet if I do my son's bedtime and he asks for a book from my husband, he says yeah sure, finishes something in a video game and then goes in 20 minutes later and that's okay.
The other night, wind was blowing stuff in our back yard while I was bathing the baby. He called my cell, I didn't answer because I had soap and water on my hands but called him back 2 minutes later and he made a comment that I need to keep my phone on at all times in case of an emergency even though I literally explained to him why I didn't answer and I called him right back.
I feel so annoyed with him lately and feel so unheard. He wasn't like this when we had our son,and when I bring it up he gets defensive and says none of it happened or isn't true or that I'm taking things out of context , etc etc. I know I'm still hormonal and I'm trying to be reasonable and told him tonight I'll handle all her feeds since he seemed so annoyed and didn't really want to do either night feed and was even more annoyed I wasn't going to bottle feed her tonight. So I also texted him I'll start transitioning to exclusively pumping tomorrow because I'm sick of fighting him on this and feeling like I'm doing something wrong by trying to nurse. But now I'm also crying in bed because all I've ever wanted to do was breastfeed my baby and this was my last chance and I feel like he's taking it away from me despite her doing so well with it
I'm just ranting, idk what I want to get out of making this post lol
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Breastfeed your baby mama! It's not just feeding her but also bonding the way they seek at that age. Don't let him take that away from you, put your foot down.
Nurse your baby, don't let him take that away from you. Don't blame things on you being hormonal.
And imo he sounds like he needs to grow up a little.
Don’t let anyone and I mean anyone take that bonding time between you and baby especially if you say it’s your last child. I grew up on tough love so please take it with a grain of salt and only take what you want and apply it if you’d like but please for the sake of your babies and your emotional and mental state have a very much needed serious talk about what you NEED from him as the dad, not your husband but THEIR dad. It took two to make them and if aside from this you’re happy with him as your spouse, talk to him and tell him you need the same energy he put in to your son into baby girl, have him put himself in your shoes, pumping is not easy, he needs to understand that she needs you in ways he can’t help (breastfeeding) it’s not fair to you two from him to get in between that and giving into what he wants is not the way, I’m sorry but he’s a grown ass man and she literally depends on you. As moms we will always have to fight for our kids no one else will!
I also just had our second and last baby I’m 2.5 months PP and baby girl is 2.5 years old so I’m right there with you, if you need anyone to talk to I’m here mama! 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Girl dont do that shit. You nurse your baby. Unless he is taking over every single feed, theres absolutely no reason for you to switch to all bottles.
On another note, with our first, my husband ended up with Post partum depression (which I didnt know guys could get before that..) and it looked very similar to what you are describing. Unhelpful, defensive, fighting about everything. Took 9 months for him to finally realize and admit that he was feeling that way. He has been a little better this time (our son is 7 weeks old) but he mostly cares for our daughter (22mo) when he is home and to me that is a huge help because I dont get to prioritize the baby much when also caring for a toddler all day.
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But if that's not what you want, I'd try talking to him again, but maybe approach it from a very like... on the same team kinda way. Like "you seem to be having a rough time lately, how are you feeling about our new child? Just want to check in and get ua back on the same team (us against the problem not against each other.)" Then after you hear him out, validate whatever he says and then calmly tell him how you are feeling and what you need for support & come up with a game plan together.
The biggest breakthrough for us was when my husband realized I wasnt trying to battle him, but team up with him to battle the problems with that phrase "we're on a team, its us against the problem, not us against eachother."
Maybe also ask him why he feels bottles are better and why it matters to him how you feed when it's your turn? Give him a chance to feel heard and that may be all he needs. You dont have to agree with him or change how you are feeding, but just hear him out so he feels like a part of the team.
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