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Boy moms 💙

I keep seeing it, maybe it’ll help me.

I keep seeing everyone post their birth stories and I feel like because I keep ignoring mine, I’m making myself feel crazy.
So, here it goes.

33weeks + 1: I’m sitting on the couch after work, I was an accountant for a small business, not.. too terribly stressful or anything. Anyway.
Husband was behind me at the breakfast bar. Suddenly while sitting there I feel a.. almost like water balloon pop sensation. And then just gush blood. Like a hand size stain on our couch. Down my legs and such. I yelled at hubs, “something’s wrong” and ran to the bathroom. Where i just kept bleeding, I was trying to find a way to… soak it up or stop it. While trying to not have a panic attack.
He freaks out obviously when he sees I’m bleeding everywhere. Makes me get in the car, pajama pants and a beach towel around me, toilet paper shoved in my underwear. We’re 15 minutes from the ER, get there. Wait maybe 10 minutes and I’m directed to a triage room. Hubs is acting strong but I can tell he’s panicking. They check all my vitals, and babies and they’re fine, but I’m still bleeding. I’m moved to L&D, given an ultrasound, nothing found. Sent home saying if I start soaking more than a pad, come back. (It had slowed at this point)
spotted for a few more days but then
33 + 6: I wake up to gushing blood again. It’s 3am. I tell my husband I rather wait till first thing in the morning, it’s not… more than last time that they said it was nothing and I can go to L&D in the morning. 6am. We go. I’m left in the L&D waiting room for 3-4hrs. Bleeding in the chair, checking to make sure it’s not going through my new beach towel cover. Finally they take me back again. I’m in triage and the nurse + my obs main midwife happens to at the hospital, are checking me, can’t find anything wrong. But want to admit me for watching most likely till due date. (🥹 this where I start to panic, I don’t want to be in a hospital for 6 weeks)
Well, I stand up to be moved to the prenatal unit. And BOOM blood all over the floor, mid wife gasps and goes okay, nvm, I’m calling your doctor but you’re most likely having your baby today.
I don’t even have a go bag ready, house is a mess at home. I planned to hire to clean the whole thing before I gave birth. My head is spinning suddenly
Husband is like “what?!”
Within what felt like 5 minutes there are suddenly 7 people in the small triage room with me. I’m told they’re pushing the next 2 scheduled c sections and I will be going into the OR in 10minutes. I’m being checked to be shaved, IV hook ups being places, while I felt like 20 people were asking me questions. It all sounds like white noise, I can see my husband shaking as they hand him like wedding rings. They start to wheel me away and the nurse is like “kiss your wife goodbye of course”. He literally thought I was going to possibly die.
I’ve lost control of the situation obviously and am on robot mode, just doing what I’m being told mechanically, thoughts are just blank, idk if it was a fear reaction or what but I just felt numb mentally suddenly. Im on the operating table all actually numbed up.
Mind you before this moment, I am terrified of needles, hospitals, all of it.
Now I’ve been poked probably 20+ times, have 3 IVs in, and am about to be cut open.
The nurses are telling me how brave I am, blah blah. (I thank them now, but then was probably just like cool story) I had no idea how long c sections took, so I asked the nurse as I’m laying there. She’s like oh you maybe have 20 minutes before babies here and you’re closed up. “Oh”
Hubs arrives to OR, I can see he’s been crying, and he starts tearing again seeing me laying there. I’m just like hey, I’m good. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Then they start.
Baby is out, taken directly to isolate to be inspected because he’s early. I didn’t hear him scream, I start panicking asking if he’s okay. Suddenly he screams. And I just burst out in tears. I want to ask for him, I want to see him but they’re not letting me.
I hear the surgeon move to removing the placenta, and I hear “OH THERE IT IS!” They found a placental abruption when removing it. Small enough you couldn’t see it on any ultrasounds, I’d had 4. “Does anyone want to see?” (Teaching hospital) I’m just laying there open, like “….. 😳…” the nurse finally brings my baby over while I’m still strapped to the table and puts his cheek on mine for maybe 2 minutes. Then they tell hubs he can go with baby to the nicu. I’m left alone again with all the medical staff involved. But mentally just felt alone and numb again. I’m wheeled to the recovery room and left there for 30-45 minutes by myself. I feel like I just stared at the wall trying to comprehend what just happened. Finally nurse comes back with my husband. And I’m wheeled to my actual recovery room. I’ve seen my baby for 2 minutes. I feel like I’m still just robotically moving through everything. Within 2hrs I can feel my legs and 3 I can walk. I was given my first round of meds and told where the nicu was when i "felt okay" to go see him.

the end. the rest is less… traumatic and pretty much what ive been told every nicu mom deals with after birth

If you read this whole thing, hey, thanks 🥹💕