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SMBC (Single Mum By Choice)

Toxic attitudes

Why are some SMBCs so toxic about terminology and identity? So I didn’t use donor sperm to conceive my child. BUT I wanted to, and did my research into options whilst with my abusive ex. I originally researched platonic coparenting, but then decided it was too messy and not something I wanted to pursue, so I decided I would begin my SMBC journey after I’d finally found the courage to leave the ex, gone through therapy and stabilised mentally, finished my degree, and financially in a better situation.

However, it didn’t go how I planned. After leaving my ex, the cumulative stress pushed me into a manic episode, during which (for the first time in my life, may I add) I slept with a few men and had a classic textbook manic episode which lasted over a month. I got pregnant during my manic episode and found out whilst admitted to a psych ward. But I don’t have an ex who I share my child with, I don’t know who the father is. I have an inkling, but my memory is obscure because I don’t remember anything from the manic episode. I barely remember what the men look like, only have pics but no means to contact either. I was delighted at the pregnancy because it was the silver lining to the darkest clouds ever.

I endured abuse for 2+ years, and the manic episode was extremely difficult and terrifying to deal with. I kept my baby, and I identify as a solo mum by choice because I made the choice to keep my baby, I was delighted at the pregnancy, and this is a journey I researched thoroughly and was planning to follow in a couple years time the ‘correct’ way. But I’ve just had so much judgment and shade from several other SMBCs when they ask me about my journey to motherhood. I’ve been kicked out of groupchats and collectively disowned by people I became friendly with, and honestly it’s depressing af.

I just needed somewhere to rant about this. Didn’t want to do it in the popular Facebook group because if I get booted from there due to not fitting into the narrow terminological niche, I will down-spiral from isolation.

I don’t relate to single mums with ex-partners at all. Most of them know who the father is, some are on good terms, many aren’t. Some have fathers actively involved, some don’t. The few who don’t know who the father is… a large portion of them live/lived a specific lifestyle which lead to that situation and I never did. I only ever slept with one men - my abusive ex. Then I had my manic episode. Now I’m celibate by choice because I’m honestly traumatised. I do want another child, but only when I’m financially in a better place and once my little one is older. I’m not crazy about kids close in age, I like age gap siblings and if I have another, I’m going down the sperm bank AI route because I’ve heard known donor horror stories from some SMBCs.

On a deep level, there is absolutely nobody I have met who can relate to my specific circumstance, and the closest identity I have is being a SMBC. I just hope there are people on here who are more friendly and accepting.