I think Motherhood has made me more bitter than I realized…
This is such a ramble but I don’t know where else to put it all.
I’m four months in and I don’t really have hobbies right now. I don’t do anything for myself except maybe doomscrolling or listening to a podcast while I breastfeed my baby. I used to craft and have game nights with friends. Activities that usually are at least 2 hour stretches. Now if I have an hour free my mind immediately goes to baby, or doing something in the house for baby.
And I thought I didn’t mind. Like I knew postpartum could be very mentally consuming. But I think it’s altering how I view people around me and it’s prodding at my relationship with my husband.
He spends most of his time making food for us, looking after our dogs, playing with the baby, ect. But he still has time for his hobby. Spends maybe an hour a night on it. Even adapted to using a bot for shopping for his hobby after a certain incident where we had to have a heart to heart after he left me home alone with the baby for hours during a busy workday (I work from home) to shop for his hobby.
And yet there’s like this little green eyed monster in me that rages every time I know he’s running off to start up the bot. Even though I’m the reason he does it this way.
We took a family trip last weekend to see his best friend and their kids and let them meet the baby. He brought the laptop. He’s always brought a laptop on trips and it’s never been a problem to me before. But one night we both woke up while the baby was still asleep, and he wandered out of the room. I tried to fall back asleep but couldn’t. So I went to the kitchen to try having something warm to drink to settle me. And he was there at the table running the bot from his laptop. I flipped out at him. But there really wasn’t reason to. It’s not like I needed help with the baby and he was ignoring me. He wasn’t avoiding our friends. He was just awake and unable to sleep and found something to do with his time. Yet my snap reaction was “why the hell would you do this on a family trip?”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the less complete sleep from baby’s middle of the night feed? My brain being just consumed by baby? Maybe I’m not as over that shopping incident as I thought? But I’m just so annoyed at his hobby right now. The green eyed monster thinks “you could be using that time differently” but realistically to do what exactly??? Stare at our baby in the dark???
I spent probably an hour apologizing to him after I snapped. And he’s of course hurt and frustrated because I said some very mean things in the moment.
I don’t want to be this jealous, angry person. But I also don’t know how to find time for myself in this right now outside of basic hygiene. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to be myself, even if just for an hour.
Maybe I need a therapist.
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I found that I would get annoyed at my partner because it didn’t seem like he had lost his identity in the same way that I did. Over time, though, I started feeling more and more like myself again. We very much share the load of responsibility at home and with the baby, so I have time to myself, and if either of us needs extra time, we’re both willing to give it.
At the beginning, I used to spend my “me time” caught up in my own head. I was struggling mentally, my hormones were all over the place, and I had brain fog all the time. Now I use that time to do something I actually enjoy, because I have more energy and a clearer mind.
Therapy really helped me. I did a 10-week perinatal group therapy programme, and when they covered depression, a key point was the importance of pleasurable activities, doing things you enjoy to help bring balance back into your life.
I understand this feeling. I was really angry with my husband for those few months after the baby was born. I was angry he seemed to be more able than I was. I was angry he got loads of time off work and he was absolutely loving it, and I was on maternity leave getting no sleep and completely losing myself and drowning. He got to enjoy all of his hobbies... Cooking, cycling.... Whilst also taking care of the baby, and I just didn't know how!!! He never stressed about anything, her crying didn't affect him, but was I stressed about everything. He adapted SO well and it made me raging!!! He also got to sleep through the night whilst I barely got 2 hours sleep, for months.
But now that he's back at work, the baby is older, I'm getting more sleep, we're in more of a routine, this feeling has begun to pass. We both make an effort to support each other to have time for our hobbies. I've really made an effort to appreciate how good we actually have it rather than being filled with rage for no apparent reason
Be easy on yourself 🫶 four months in is hardly any time. It IS hard, frustrating, lonely... I had countless hobbies before having my daughter and giving them up felt like losing myself. I find listening to audio books really helpful, comforting to feel less alone.
You have to make the time yourself. This didn’t happen to me because I never allowed it. I refused to give up my life or to just be a mom. You MAKE PLANS and you tell him and you go. You are holding yourself back from your hobbies. Get out of the house.
Your hormones are still adjusting, it takes about 2 years for everything to go back to normal. Im almost 2 years PP and that feeling that you mentioned about always needing to do something for the house or the baby is very much still there. I view it as looking out for future me. Having said that, it gets easier. You find routines.. my partner and i do the same roles within the house day in, day out. Weve found a balance that works ensuring we both catch a little break before bedtime. Perhaps thats something you could try? Write down everything that needs to be done in a day and share it out so you can catch your breath and find some time to do something you love for a little while? X
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