Boundaries are not meant to control the behaviour of others.

Yes a hundred percent. It’s so much more peaceful this way. It helps me stay chill with my toddler too. “If you throw a book, we’re finished reading and I’ll have to leave the room for a little while.” Then ball is in her court but I don’t get angry or get decision fatigue having to figure out a “punishment,” it’s just all right there

Boundaries aren’t something you wait for someone to break!!!
They exist for setting a clear expectation / contingency, but it’s not on another to act in accordance with your boundaries/expectations/contingencies!! It’s up to you to respect your own!

Holding “boundaries” when seeking control of another’s actions or words does really lead to resentment that’s often one sided! Which makes it more annoying lmfao

Too true. I've seen this so many times with women and their mothers in law, how they'll cut them off over the slightest things. Boundaries are actions you take to reduce your own stress, not rules you set to control others.

I think it’s not about a “consequence” for a person who dismisses your boundaries, it’s what you need to do to keep yourself and what ever boundaries you put in place held xx

okay so for example I’m really uncomfortable with my husband shouting at the kids (he’s really working hard on it - lots of trauma cycle breaking happening!) but my boundary is not “you can not shout at the kids” it’s “I’m really uncomfortable with you shouting at the boys, if you do shout I will be removing myself and the boys from the situation until you are ready to have a conversation”.

There’s no “consequences” for him just him just understanding that if he does , he knows the response he will get. I hope that helps xx

I think it’s okay to tell people not to tell racist jokes in front of you, though.

@Kat
Yes, there are "consequences" for boundary violations, but these are usually actions taken to protect yourself. It's about what you will and will not accept.

***************************************
Absolutely boundaries are about self-preservation.

It's totally fine to say, "If you cheat, I'll leave the relationship." You're not controlling another person. You're letting them know what you will accept and consequences if they choose to disrespect that boundary.

It's different to "if you wear that outfit, I'll yell at you and disrespect you,"
Or
"You're not allowed to have any male/female friends."
That's controlling behaviour with manipulation.

@Kat

I think sometimes that's the only way to hold a boundary. You remove yourself from the situation, either temporarily or permanently.

It's about what behaviour and action you allow against yourself and your values.

the thing is that you're not setting "consequences" in the sense that you are trying to dictate their behaviour. You aren't saying they have to change or you leave, that's an ultimatum. You're saying that YOU will leave to protect yourself, not to "punish" them, or correct them. So the difference is how you perceive it - you aren't controlling their behavior, you're only controlling your own.

“A boundary is something you tell someone else you will do that requires the other person to do nothing.” - dr. Becky

Saying “get down from the couch” is not a boundary, for example.

So simply put but I do think sometimes people fail to see it that way.

consequence doesn’t mean punishment. It just means the effect of an action. Wet grass is a consequence of rain.

Boundaries are your own set of rules of what you will tolerate.
I have a boundary that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who does cocaine. If I was dating someone and found out they did cocaine—whether I had told them this boundary or not—I would end the relationship. The consequences of them doing cocaine is me ending the relationship. Not to punish them, but because I can’t have that in my life. Full stop.

If someone does something that you “don’t accept” and you don’t uphold your own boundary, then you are accepting that behaviour.

Edited to add that I wrote this response before reading your response to Brittany above.

it’s ok to tell people not to tell racist jokes in front of you, but that’s not a boundary.

I’m not sure if you saw my edit, but I wrote that comment as a generic response before seeing your response to Brittany. It’s definitely a lot harder when you have a history and your lives are so intertwined, but only you can decide what you’re willing to tolerate.

If I found out my husband was doing cocaine now, I’m not sure I could simply end it like I’ve done twice in the past with short-term relationships. It would possibly require me to rethink that boundary and what I’m willing to tolerate, depending on the circumstances.

Tbh, what you’re describing isn’t crossing boundaries, it’s a lack of basic respect for you. Like, if you can’t go on long car rides without him yelling at you or insulting you, how do you think he’ll treat a child?

I’m not sure what “working on himself” entails, but he’s got a lot of work to do, and quick.

Does he read or listen to audiobooks?

The book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline is a very humbling guide to self control and parenting.

https://consciousdiscipline.com/methodology/seven-powers/

https://books.google.com/books/about/Easy_To_Love_Difficult_To_Discipline.html?id=ZO63oB8Vd_kC

yes, she’s very wise. I wish I had’ve read her book sooner.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKK13S9SbDc/?igsh=M3JzYmFkMXo2NGZl

I'm thankful for this conversation I think it's a good thing to learn about what boundaries actually means.