Step son who’s 18! Need advice!

Hi ladies,
So I need abit of advice,
My husbands son has just turned 18 I’ve been in his life since he was 13 and things are just getting worse 🙈
So he lives with his mum and she’s absolutely off her head - believes in some very crazy things like people live in your tv and give you virus’s like colds and flus, he’s not allowed to see doctors because they will make him ill and a lot more! She was still dressing him and brushing his hair at the age of 16! Which is very worrying?
He comes over to us and he doesent speak unless spoken to.. doesent clean up after himself just dumps stuff in the sink, leaves his bed stuff all on the sofa, doesent interact with his half brother and sisters, won’t get a job I keep saying what are you going to do now college has finished and you jsut get don’t know but expects us to pay for everything! My husband is paying for his driving lessons and he expects us to buy him a car and fuel insurance ect.. he said he doesent want a job because it’s long days and doesent like people :/ we are taking him on holiday in December and he’s said he’s excited to go because he wants to see his wheels on his suitcase roll not about the holiday itself :/
My husband thinks he has autism or something. He doesent self care like won’t get his hair cut just wants his mum to do it and she literally just does a bowl cut! We have bought him shavers to shave his hairs and stuff and nice clothes but nothing goes in with him, We just don’t know where to go from here and what to do?
It’s awful to say but I dread spending time with him as it is very awkward and not enjoyable! We try to joke around with him but he doesent laugh or anything.
Help! :(

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it does sound like he could be autistic, have you and/or husband talked to his mother about him? does she know of activities that he enjoys doing? when he leaves things on the sofa/leave dishes, do you guys just like ….ignore it? do you ask him to do it? or tell him to do it? he sounds like he may just need a bit of structure. i think i would steer away from trying to change his appearance because he may like it that way, and it could come across to him as you trying to fix HIM. i would avoid being too “parental” because he is 18, but he’s still just a kid so i wouldn’t be too hard. have you talked to him about what he likes to do? maybe eventually when you guys get more comfortable maybe after he’s done with his driving lessons, you could have a talk about some part time jobs that are similar to the things he enjoys doing? so it wouldn’t be long days maybe just like 4 hours? good luck 🤞🏼

yeah my husband has spoken to her about telling him her beliefs and things because he’s an anxious mess about it all and also about him not getting a job ect - she jsut said yes he needs a job I need my house paying for!
His only activities he likes is Minecraft and going gigging with his dad which he goes every weekend but my husbands tried to explain to him that that’s not a job that’s just something to fill his hobby and time so he’s not bored at home.
So I tell him to wash them up ect my husband is abit more like I’ll do it and will get his breakfast and get him drinks ect and I said he’s excited needs to do it himself as he’s not a child he’s an adult now.
He definitely needs some structure but my husband thinks it’s hard to do it when he is hardly here and he’s with her and unfortunately we can’t tell her how to parent.
Yeah we have spoke about sort time jobs, apprenticeships and stuff but he just goes yeah I don’t know. So it’s hard to help him. X

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So my step son (11) lives with us full time we’ve started with an issue of him stealing little stuff from school, taking his brothers clothes from his mums here without anyone knowing ect but now
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We have also spoken to his mum about it and she just says she has locks on the doors and she did it as a kid and laughs about it which just feels like shes validating what he’s doing.

Sorry for the rant just wanted to see other people opinions and views as I feel so guilty to cancel Easter for him but at the same time we don’t have the money to re buy everything he’s gone through 🫠

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