For anyone who has kids with an ex, help me out please!

My marriage is over - I know it is, there's really no saving it in terms of falling in love again. Too many reasons to list here. However, my husband is truly a great human being. I'm relieved that my son has a wonderful dad at least. The question: I have always wanted 2-4 kids. We only have our 2 year old son. My husband also wants another. We have always planned to start trying for another baby around this time. It sounds crazy now since I know we won't be together forever, but I know I want more kids more than anything. I'm weighing the possibility of having another baby sooner than later, OR not trying with my husband and hoping I find the right partner in the future - obviously not knowing how long that could take. For anyone on the other side of divorce: what would you do? Again, my husband is a great guy. I'm currently a SAHM. I'm sure he'd be a wonderful coparent - and I say that as someone whose own father is the WORST (so I saw all the red flags growing up and I even told my mom that my dad would abandon me if she divorced him).

There's a part of me of course that also has big reservations about dating again with a 2 year old - but I feel the pressure to hurry up and find someone so to speak simply because I do want more children. So obviously, if I did have another child with my husband, I wouldn't feel the pressure of trying to hurry up and find someone else. I'm in my mid-30's already, so I do worry about time going on.

Sorry if this is a jumble of thoughts. Don't have anyone to discuss this with because my friends are all so anxious for me to just leave my husband immediately and I know they wouldn't hear me out 😂 and maybe they shouldn't - maybe this is absolutely insane. But I have a friend whose parents did this back in the 90's - they had separated but both wanted another child so they got pregnant while they were divorcing and it worked out amazingly well, even decades later. Happy to hear all thoughts - I'm NOT sensitive about this and I'm not going to say "no judgement" because it's the dumbest thing in the world to say that on an app like this 😂 of course you're going to judge me, and I'm eager to hear your thoughts! 💞

Read more on Peanut

The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.

Learn more about our guidelines.

Add a comment

My boyfriend and I have talked about this. That if I ever wanted another child after we broke up, he’d give me that. I don’t see an issue with it as long as he is a good man and will care for the child in the way the child deserves. It’s kinda like sperm donation, just so your kids have the same parents 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does he know and is he on board with this plan? Because that's very different than you just deciding you're going to use him for sperm then chuck him lol

It's a tough one, but speaking as someone who knows at least a couple of closet gays who have done this for the sake of having kids (they never lied to their partners, their partners know)... maybe it could work. It might be a little weird for the kids. Not just growing up with a split family, but knowing one was conceived during / after the split. Still, I mean... there are a lot of unconventional ways to have kids. I guess if you think you can maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship, respect each other, and model healthy relationships for your children... maybe it's not the worst idea.

It’s a hard call and I totally see why you want to do it. Just think about how you imagine your family in five years time. One of my friends had her first baby at 42 so don’t let your age be a factor.

I say wait just in case the next person you fall in love with wants a child with you as well.

As somebody who wanted another child and then got blindsided by their husband wanting a divorce halfway through their pregnancy, it makes for a very miserable pregnancy. But it sounds more like you and your husband are separating on better terms than my husband and I are so I don’t know. If you can make it work while separating go for it.

I mean personally, if I wanted to divorce my husband, the last thing I’d do is get pregnant by him…If you’re done then you should be done and wait till your divorce is settled and you’ve gotten yourself situated. I guess I’m a bit confused, but you mentioned he was great multiple times in your post, why is that you’d like to divorce?

Do you want another romantic partner in the near future? If you truly don't care and you and your ex are amicable maybe go for another kid but it definitely would make it harder to meet someone new. Not impossible but harder with 2 young kids as opposed to 1 and your focus would probably be mainly on parenting.

Don’t do it. U need lots of healing from all the issues from ur divorce. The last thing u guys should do is bring another child. Plus ur first child will need u guys help to go through the separation. This just seems too messy. U can always get a sperm donor and do solo parenting but to have a child with someone u don’t love it’s not right.

I feel like I need answers as to why you’re leaving if he’s so great. I’m so confused 😭

I appreciate all the comments - lots to think about!! I did slip up after pretty big discussion about the future of our marriage (lots of drinking after) and we had sex during my ovulation window 😩 we'll see - this post may have been for nothing lol.

in our community

Is it bad of me to think this or no?

My husband has been abroad for work (1 day and exploring for 1 day) for 2 and a half days which means I’ve had both kids (1 year and 4 year old) for 2 and a half days plus cooking, cleaning, taking them to clubs, bedtimes!
He came home late afternoon and said I’m so tired, I just need to chill. I said can you wash up whilst I sort kids dinner out, he said he’ll do it later which means he won’t do it and I’ll end up doing it so I said no do it now please otherwise I’ll end up doing it and he said well you have been home and I’ve been away so you’ve just been relaxing.
Don’t know what planet he is on but having the kids alone for 2.5 days is not relaxing. I was stressed!

When he was away, I did miss him and wanted him to come back but now he’s back, I want him to go away again😂
Is that bad?

Post partum dad

I have a 2 month old. A few weeks ago my husband crashed out because he didn't feel like he was getting to bond with her. I started exclusively breastfeeding around that time and honestly didnt see the big deal. Baby and I left for a few days and when we got back home, everything was fine. He was extremely hands-on. He helped with my meals, her bedtime, bath, stories.....for a few weeks it was great. Then he randomly sounds depressed af. He says our lo is better off without him, he wants to sleep all day , he asks me not to watch tv then tried playing a video game. He refused to reply to me when i asked any follow-up questions. Then he woke up our baby trying to race me to the bathroom first thing in the morning . He's doing a weird mix of crying, trying, and giving up. Im starting to feel like I cant handle him not being able to handle life with baby and just want to be alone. Are there resources for men?

My 2 year old won’t eat nothing but snacks

Is this normal ? He won’t even try anything I eat .. he really only like pizza fries and spaghetti… nuggets and snacks bananas some other fruit but like anything else he won’t eat if try but I don’t want to force him I’m just I feel like bad I mean he isn’t losing weight I breastfeed mostly still

Really bothered by this

A friend posted this and it really bothers me because that is exactly how she parents her kid, and it's rather unfortunate because when our kids hang out together, her kid has a meltdown at least 5x within an hour. We have know them for years and it's only gotten worse. My kids will concede to hers, because they don't want to see their friend crying, but it sucks because they give up so much of their toys and enjoyment to keep the peace. We aren't hanging out as much anymore but it's rather sad to think she doesn't intervene more in her child tantrums and just let's it slide

Shift worker daddies - advice please?

My husband works shifts (6am-6pm days or 6pm-6am nights) so when he’s on shift we either get about an hour or 2 before he goes to work or an hour or 2 when we gets home with him.

I don’t think people who aren’t married/have babies with shift workers fully understand the impact of feeling like a solo parent sometimes.

Does anyone have any advice? I do have parents who can help but I struggle to leave my baby with others as I always feel like they don’t understand the need for tracking wake windows or feeds and our baby will not sleep unless we black out a room or go for a car drive . Everyone seems to think ‘if he’s tired he’ll drop off’ - no he’ll just get overtired and have to then pay for it during his night sleep. So I feel like it’s just easier for me to do it all myself.

When my husbands off work he is great but I do take the mental load of telling him what to do or even reminding him of wake windows etc because he’s not here and forgets routines. He’s also being tested for ADHD currently so there’s that on top of shift work.

Just looking for advice on how to stay sane/keep routines or share loads with shifts workers?

Thank you ❤️

Feeding

My son is coming up to five months and I just started giving him oatmeal and rice cereal. When can you start trying veggies or fruits? I only give him the oatmeal or rice cereal once a day right now which is what the paediatrician had said to do. I’m just curious to when anybody tried anything else with their kids cause my son eats a lot of formula and he’s VERY curious when I eat.