Difficult birth and recovery

Im really struggling to come to terms with the last month. Baby girl is 3 weeks old, I was in hospital for 9 days before having her due to complications. During theatre I hemorrhaged, my previous section scar opened, which then ripped my uterine artery. I was about to be put to sleep to have a hysterectomy when the emergency team found the bleed. The next few days of recovery were horrific, I didn't get the rush of love like I did the first time round because I could barely even hold my baby. When it started to improve she got jaundice and I couldn't hold her.

Ive since had a womb infection, a wound infection and a uti and have just finished 6 courses of antibiotics. My husband is incredible and hes being doing the nights so I can sleep and recover.

But...I feel like I miss out, if I do the night shift I feel so poorly the next day, if I dont I feel guilty and like the time to bond with my baby is being taken away.

I couldn't breastfeed or pump due to how unwell I was and the medication I was on and im massively grieving a journey I thought I would have. Ive also been told I cant carry anymore children safely so this is our last baby, my heart feels broken about it all.

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I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had such a rough time of it, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot.

A lot of what you are saying resonates with me. 3 weeks post birth they found that I had a lot of fluid round my heart which I needed emergency surgery for to prevent cardiac arrest. It put an end to my breastfeeding journey and meant I needed time in hospital away from my baby. Like you, my partner has been amazing, picking up the slack so I can recover but I have constant mum gilt feeling like I’m not doing enough for my little boy and missing bonding time.

It’s hard isn’t it, but I’m sure you are an amazing mum and our little ones won’t remember this. Everyone keeps telling me the best thing I can do for him is get well, which I’m holding on to when the gilt kicks in.

It’s hard when you don’t get the journey you thought you would xx

That sounds so awful 😭 I'm sorry youre going through it too!

I think its largely comparison of my previous birth thats a real gut punch, that was an emergency section but was a positive experience. Knowing its our last and grieving a journey I thought I'd have 😭

I remember feeling guilty with my first when my husband did anything for her so I think thats just how my brain is wired!

I've been telling myself I'll be well soon, and able to do all the wonderful things, I'm just waiting for my body to physically recover! Wishing you a speedy recovery and lots of lovely cuddles with your baby boy xx

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