Partner works incredibly long hours, how much do they help out?

I could’ve written this myself - especially the football part - nothing makes me angrier than the fact football seems to be on every other week?! (My husband did not have any break from going to watch it since my little girl has been born 😂) He also tried the “well when is MY break?” comment, as if he doesn’t go to football, to the gym, out with friends - even a commute to work and back would be a break for me at this point?!

I completely empathise with you… My only ‘break’ away from home alone is when I go and get my nails done once a month for an hour, otherwise I’m mum mode 24/7…

I just truly tbink they live on another planet to us and will never really understand what it’s like to be a mum!

If he has been working incredibly long hours, then haven’t you been also? Raising children is also hard work

I think it's about balance, my husband works long hours, but i force him to also take on childcare duties, especially on his days off, so that I can take a moment of peace and listen to music/podcast etc e.g. when he's hoovering/cooking etc, I'm guessing you're dressing/bathing/ mum mode - just switch roles, I feel like men sometimes need to be asked to do things, it doesn't come naturally to them like it does to us, e.g. "can you bath X whilst I cook tea?" / "can you read to X whilst I hoover?" Like he's clearly helping you despite his long hours, so get him to help you with the childcare chores instead of house chores, it will give you a break (even if only for 10 mins) and also help him build a bond more

My husband works insane hours so naturally I do a lot more but he will do anything I need him to when it comes to our child. Our baby is only 2.5 months so she’s in that “boring” stage where she can’t really be “played” with, she’s more like a floppy potato. But he will give her a bath, soothe her to sleep, feed her, etc.

I think you both need to come to a compromise. He can do football every other weekend but you’re doing x every other weekend. You just need a break from being mom 24/7 and need to fill your own cup. Whether that be a club you join, getting ur nails done, even food shopping alone without baby.

I feel like parenthood comes more naturally to mum's than it does dad's, my husband is great now and I can't fault him much at all, but I still do have to ask sometimes, e.g. if he is in charge of bedtime (he is on all of his days off, I'm in charge on all his days at work) then sometimes my 4 y/o could be still up hours past bedtime if I hadn't given that gentle nudge, "right 5 more mins and then it's bedtime, come give mummy a kiss" - sometimes I think they need things spelling out x

I definitely didnt know the way it could feel having time to yourself after this when theyre still young. That mom guilt really narrowed my space. But now im going for the 4-8hours disappearances. Iv ehad me a slice of cake watching the sunset at a park. Felt weird but good. Make it happen! He would have his time too. We just keep tapping in. B9th sides will be depleted but knowing that just means we learn how to seesaw really well so we can still do other stuff. Its not impenetrable but it does make communicating work. Its hogh stress for years. We can choose how to still prioritize self lov3 and relationships. Its not i or me alone anymore...unless you start shutting out another persons expressive moments. Even a BABY. How else do we connect to eachother without being curious and patient

Sorry you’re going through this. Sounds really challenging for you both.

My husband was doing really long hours and he’s had to change role to work for our family life. I’ve got a friend whose husband has done the same. Sadly both husband have had to take a step down which of course also had a financial impact. But it just wouldn’t have worked long term for any of us

But even during those long hours, he did appreciate it was a lot for me too - so he would do some slow cooker meals he would put on before leaving the house and would be coparenting with me when he was around / spending as much time as possible with little one. And importantly to me, he verbally acknowledged it was a lot for us both

It sounds as though with your setup you cannot expect him to do much in the week, but at weekends he should definitely be co parenting with you at the very least. Football, gym and even watching netflix are breaks when you've got a child this young! Maybe encourage him to kick a ball with her at a local playground? Or any other way he could maybe play with her in a more 'him' style of play? It sounds as though he doesn't feel his child likes him, though that's probably not true, she's just more attached to you because you're the primary carer.
If he has 2 weekend days off ask him to pick a 3 hour slot where you can go do something for yourself. Obviously this only works if he's willing to put in the effort to get to know his child and support you. Unfortunately you can't force support.

My partner is a pilot so works long hours which are mentally tiring - I was struggling with this when my baby was around 9 months old as he kept saying he didn’t have a relationship with our baby. My therapist suggested that he take over bath time - an easy thing to do which has a set routine and honestly it really has helped! On days that he isn’t working, he will do bath time and my little one loves it! (Gets a bit moody when he is stuck with me for bath time now😂).
My partner isn’t the best at helping with the housework and needs reminding or asking to do things but I can leave my little one with him, just with a little guidance of what may be needed. I also found, just booking in time for myself to go out and meet friends has helped. Put it in the diary, say he’s looking after the baby and go. Even if you have to prep some bits for them beforehand (lunch, etc)

You need to INSIST that you get an hour off from parenting, each weekend day.

And do NOT spend that hour doing housework.

Until he gets used to it, I would recommend you leave the house for that hour. Even if you just sit in your car down the road and watch something on your phone.

Men do not give you a break. You have to force them to let you have a break.

"I will be going out at x time and you need to watch the kids".

Personally I think you should both be working the same hours, I can’t imagine driving is more exhausting than parenting but maybe that’s because I love driving 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ have you added up how many hours you both work each week? I would include your night time hours but also work them out separately as they should really be viewed as doubletime due to the sleep disruption which affects literally everything else.
Assuming he’s 4am-9pm 5 days a week that’s 85hrs
If your daytime hours are something like 6am-7pm 7 days a week that would be 91hrs, plus any night shifts.
That’s assuming the longest amount of time for him every day, and assuming your little one goes to bed at 7pm and you have no other chores to do after that, and not including nights, and even then you’re working more hours and without a break whereas his hours are condensed into 5 days and I can’t imagine he works 17hrs per day with no breaks

My partner works these kinds of hours too, and honestly he’s looking at changing roles because in the long term, those hours aren’t really in alignment with being a present or active parent. Maybe there are people who can do it, but neither of us feel like there are enough hours in the day to work 12-14 hours, get enough sleep, look after himself, and also be an active dad. So he’ll probably change roles, and I’ll also go back to work. Is there anything you two can change about your situation to make it more manageable?

my partner works from 5am-6pm monday- saturday and still does as much as he possibly can when he’s home. he helps me wash up after food, entertains our son from the second he’s back till bedtime and literally anything else i could as him with no complaints. i hate work being the excuse of not helping out when they’d have to do that anyway even before making the decision to have a family. him and my son are genuinely best friends and being there for his family should never be a burden.

My fiance does the same, drives HGV'S for a living. He comes home and will make dinner/wash up or take the kids, whatever I need doing at the time. He puts our son down to bed if he gets back on time while I have the newborn or make our dinner ect. I wake him up after he's put the toddler down so he can go to the gym then he comes home and goes to bed, up in the morning for work. I stay at home while he works, he pays all bills but he always takes the kids even for a little while when he gets in or when he's getting up for work he will have the baby until he leaves.