Partner/Husband Support

I'm engaged and dealing with this now. I'm debating on what to do because we had a plan on giving me time to myself once he gets home. He adhered to the plan in the beginning. Now, not so much. And I've been overwhelmed. I tried to talk about it and he got defensive.

I work but I'm still on maternity leave.

We talked extensively about the roles and responsibilities for both of us before I quit my job. My mom was a SAHM and had to do everything. So I was very open with my husband about how I wanted this to go. He understands the importance of me being at home and sees how it helps us all.

Honestly it has all gone a lot better than I ever expected

He was so helpful when I was pregnant and during labor. Even cried during birth because he was scared for my safety. Took over for like 2-3 weeks postpartum and then stopped. He comes in and takes him for 5-10 min, changes 1 diaper or 2 and hands him back to me. My son is still a newborn. I'm breastfeeding every 1 1/2hr or 2 and pumping multiple times a day as well. In his mind he's helping enough.

I mean I don’t do EVERYTHING like the yard isn’t my responsibility for example and he cooks dinner on the weekends but the vast majority of cleaning is my job and that’s fine because that’s what I’m choosing when I chose to be a homemaker. I’m making a home. Realistically I’m in it all day long and have the time and he is working 12 hours with a commute that totals 3 hours. He arrives home at 4am and wakes up at 11am for work, I would never see him exit the bedroom at 11 and start asking him to clean. When I worked a 9-5 in an office we split things more, that also meant he didn’t have to work as much so he had time and energy to help. Being a SAHM is hard but I will always be eternally grateful he works so hard to make this a reality for our family, we both provide for each other in our own ways but he is the only one sacrificing being with his child. He misses so much time that I’ve never had to give up.

Not really tbh. I have my degree and could pretty easily go back to teaching. My parents would also step in to help.

But I honestly just don’t worry too much about out it. Which I understand is incredibly privileged. I’m always vaguely on the lookout for red flags because of my childhood. But I am my father’s daughter. So I would have the bank accounts drained before my husband knew what was going on.

If something happened, I would figure it out. But he would be scrambling too. His whole life would also be turned upside down. So him making the money doesn’t really mean anything.

I wouldn't say "fairly" because my husband and I have been together a long time and we don't keep track of who does what. We work together. Sometimes he ends up doing more. Sometimes I do. We never resent it because it's all about managing the house together.

When it comes to childcare, it's not a chore. We both want a relationship with our child. We both put in effort to make that happen. We spend time with her because we love doing it, not because someone has to.

I do agree I see a lot of women on Peanut complaining about this - but I'd hope that it's because people are more likely to post vents than positive experiences. I don't post about how wonderful my husband is because it feels like bragging, and I don't want others to feel bad.

He was so wonderful and helpful when our eldest was 0-6 months old but it slowly declined after that… we got pregnant again and this pregnancy opened my eyes to how much alone I actually am in everything (the housework, raising our daughter, cooking every meal and packing lunches, making sure there’s at least some food for our girl to eat in the house, the bills being paid on time, etc if I asked for help he’d complain or roll his eyes and do the bear minimum of the help I asked for example he’d move the laundry to the dryer but wouldn’t start it on purpose after I asked if he could please move it to the dryer and start it so our girl can have clean clothes for school the next day) so I left and I’m surprised with the results.. sure there are rough days 32 weeks pregnant, trying to raise a toddler, living back at home with my parents but it’s become extremely less stressful then living with my “fiancé”

When he’s home he’s very helpful but he does work outta town most of the time so I do all the housework and childcare while he’s gone and then when he is home I still do most housework just so he’s bonding with our boys and after they go to bed he’ll help with dishes or laundry whatever needs done

I told my husband before I even got pregnant that I will be a SAHM and raise our child. He agreed. But there is times where he plans things and wants me to contribute. And I have to remind him what we agreed on. Sometimes he doesn’t like it and I understand that it can stress them out. But luckily he is someone who will figure it out one way or another. He understands I will do my part and he will do his. And we will come together at the end of the day.

I'd say my partner helps fairly. He's definitely the breadwinner and I only work part-time to get the best of both worlds and keep my foot in the door of my career. He definitely needs some reminding of what needs doing around the house, whats coming up/needed in the house at times. But he never fights about having to do anything when reminded. When our LO was a baby he was definitely alot less aware of what he'd need to go out/away than I was, but he can now easily take our 3yo out and I'm not concerned he's 'forgotten' something. Personally I think our brains just work differently, be that personality or biological I don't know. I do think sometimes women expect their partner's to be just like them, but the difference is growing a birthing a baby does change you in ways it doesn't for the father.

I work 50+ hours a week and still am the only one that does any cleaning, care for the children/home, etc. aside from the occasional load of dishes or random run the vacuum. He's very opinionated on how I can't keep up even though he passes out on the couch almost every night after work. He didn't used to be this way, he also used to be supportive and kind but the last 2 years his mental health has plummeted and he's become very emotionally abusive and controlling. I actually just kicked him out this week and plan to go through with divorce soon

This has been my struggle. My husband's mother had 11 kids and worked so hard her whole life taking care of all of them, submitting her their dad, and tending to a garden and animals. She's from a village in turkey. My husband says she had no help, but he has a huge family over 120 cousins just on the dad's side. I cant fathom that no one ever helped her. When I video call his family his sisters, brothers, parents, and their kids are always together taking care of his nieces and nephews. He keeps comparing me to his mother saying if she could do all that why cant you. You only have one baby. Im always alone. My husband is a truck driver and works away from home for weeks. He tells me im not women enough for him. That I need to be more like his mom. It's very frustrating to constantly be compared and put down.

I think for us it really helped to have very clear communication, and outline clearly what our responsibilities were. While I was on mat leave, this is what we discussed/ decided:
- he had a full time job
- my full time job was to look after our home (something I very much enjoy doing and I love to have a clean home all the time so between cleaning, washing, cooking etc, it is essentially a full time job)
- our baby: both of our “jobs”/ responsibility. Anything to do with our baby we split fairly between us, bath time, night feeds, feeding etc. Obviously during the day I looked after her alone since he wasn’t home, but evenings / days off, we were both very hands on, always.
This approach was honestly perfect for us, and it saved us from a lot of tension, and saved me from disappointment as I knew exactly what to expect from him.

Now that I’m back to work (part time), we’re experimenting and still trying to find our balance and what works best.

I feel like roles are reversed in my house. My husband does more than me. He works from home so a lot of the child minding is left to him. If our son gets sent home from daycare or has an appointment, he does it all.

He’ll shop during the day or clean when he gets a break from work. He will start dinner before I get home work our son. He does night wakings. He does swim class with our son, all laundry on the weekend. He does all car maintenance and gas, all recycling/garbage, all yard work.

We do a nightly reset so one person does dishes while the other vacuums. I do bathrooms. And I vacuum the upstairs Saturday mornings. I still do small stuff like order Tylenol for the baby, order name tags for daycare, etc.

But in the newborn trenches, I was very explicit as to what the mental load is how many things I juggle and think about in any moment. It was helpful as he learned to take things off.

Just waiting for my opportunity to leave 14years in, 2 kids. Same old.

Won't let me reply to your comment, incog. He did a month or so of therapy, he did get on meds for anxiety and depression (they have upped him to the max dose so far) we have tried a couples counselor, others outside of our family have talked to him as it's very obvious. It changes for a week or two and then he gets comfortable again. The kids are 4 and 2 and the 4 yo asks his dad to not be mean to us tonight, there's no peace in the house, I get yelled at for making the kids certain meals because it doesn't follow his diet of no grains, low fat, etc. he tells me over and over that he wants to fix it and when I say all I want is space he calls me 14 times and sends 30 texts bitching about how I act. I can't live my life on eggshells worried about which version of him is coming home, my kids don't deserve that.

My partner is 100% hands on and is not just "helping". I can honestly say that I am lucky that I got divorced from my ex and went into a relationship with my fiance. From the beginning he pulled his weight regarding the household chores (having been raised by a hippy feminist single mother might have helped shape him in that matter). It didn't change when we had our LO. He is showing the same support and fulfilling his responsibilities as a dad (not just"helping" once in a while), didn't matter if I was a SAHM or went back to work. It's important that a man is aware of what it means to be a partner and father because it seems like that a lot of men are not conscious enough of that, which is a shame.

I’m a SAHM and my husband takes the baby for an hour in the morning before work and he immediately grabs him from me after work too. He also does bedtime every night and we split night wakings. As far as housework we both do whatever we see needs done when we have time to do it.i cook most of the meals because i enjoy it and like to have dinner done by the time he gets home.

I stay home and he works 60 hours a week but he comes home and helps with the kids which I am so grateful for.