Dad isn’t great with our baby - help!
TLDR: my BD cannot calm our baby. I tried to help by sharing what I do but he hates feedback and gets very upset. I don’t think he knows how to emotionally regulate himself. You can feel the tension in the air the second she starts crying. What can I do?? Will this ever go away??
Long version:
First time parents with a 4 month old. He had 12 weeks of paternity leave after she was born so they have had time to bond. He was great for the first 6 weeks, but as her brain started to wake up, he’s been struggling to soothe her. As in literally cannot.
I think the biggest issue is his emotional regulation. He gets visibly rigid and irritated when she starts to cry. He’s made comments like “I’d help but she f^cking hates me” and “I never thought you and I would end up with a bad baby” I’ve told him to never joke about that or say those things out loud. And the truth is, she’s a very happy baby… when he’s at work. She’s all smiles and giggles and goes to sleep within minutes when it’s just her and me.
When she fusses with him I stay out of the way in the hopes they will find something that works. Eventually he gives up and hands her over to me, very frustrated. I might rock or shush in a more gentle way but all he sees is the same motion working and he gets very angry about it. The worst part is that he is so upset when I’m able to sooth her that he has to leave the room.
He does not like feedback of any kind. I tried “maybe some rhythmic shushing” or “let’s step outside to help break the crying fit” and it only made him more mad, which ended up making her cry more.
So - the ask - is this normal?! How long will this last? How can I help my BD and baby get along??
And for context, she is bottle/formula fed (supply issues 💔) so it’s not a boob thing.
The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.
Learn more about our guidelines.
I wouldn't say it's "normal" but from what you have described, his demeanor is 100% the problem. It's not anything he's doing or not doing. He's not calm or regulated and she is picking up on that.
Babies are co-regulators. They cannot calm themselves. This isn't just a thing people say - it is a biological imperative. Their nervous systems are underdeveloped and rely on their caregivers for co-regulation. When they are in a heightened state of arousal, their nervous system takes cues from whoever is holding them. Their heartbeat, their breathing, their blood flow all takes cues from your own nervous system. In order to regulate them, you first have to regulate yourself. His agitation is the problem.
Next time he's trying to calm the baby, have him focus on himself instead of her. Don't worry about her crying - babies cry, it's normal, it's not a reflection on him. Have him deliberately use calming techniques, just sit quietly, relax, breathe slowly and evenly, and focus on staying calm.
He can't let himself get upset every time she cries - which can be hard for a caregiver, but getting agitated will only make it worse. Just focus on staying calm and centered. As he improves, try to withdraw your support - and avoid hovering or micromanaging. Help him by reminding him to stay calm, give tips if they are invited, but let him figure out his own methods.
Point him towards the instagram account or website Taking Cara Babies. Sometimes guys just hate taking advice for their partners and need to read it on their own.
Are you guys young by chance? Some boys just do not have a fully functional brain to deal with that stuff till they are at least mid to late 20s. He might need some therapy to learn to emotionally calm himself.
Download the Peanut App
