How do I emotionally detach enough to co-parent well?
Hi all, I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar situation or has some wisdom to share!
I’m 26 weeks pregnant from an unplanned pregnancy with an ex that I had a short but intense relationship with last summer. We weren’t together at the time, but briefly got back together after finding out, as he suggested we do this as a couple. That gave me a lot of reassurance during a very difficult first trimester.
However, at 15 weeks he ended things after an argument and then refused to talk to me unless we arranged counselling, which left me feeling abandoned and distraught. We tired 2 sessions after the break-up but I was far too emotional to handle it and I decided in March to take a break from communicating with him, to spare the baby my distress.
A few days ago we met to discuss co-parenting and had a good, calm conversation, and he’s always said he’ll be there for the baby. We agreed to try to move forward like business partners and set out a weekly meet so that we can try to build something workable by July.
The issue is that I’ve realised I still have incredibly strong feelings for him. Finding out he’s started dating again (one date) really upset me and made that clear (she knows the situation, apparently). I’m not trying to get back together, but I’m really struggling emotionally and seeing him makes me feel awful for days, I feel much better when I have space.
The plan currently is for him to stay with me around the birth and for at least 3 months after (separate rooms) but I’m now unsure how to handle such an intense time with someone I still have feelings for.
He isn’t a bad person, and I know I’ve also contributed to things being difficult at times. I accept that he doesn't want to be with me. I’m just trying to find a healthy way forward.
TL;DR: How do I emotionally detach enough to co-parent well, and is it realistic to have him so involved early on (including staying with me), or should I rethink that plan?
Another question: he currently doesn't know this is how I feel, I am hiding it all behind logistics and anger, should I be honest with him about still having feelings?
Sorry this is so long..
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This is going to be so so hard! Sorry you are going through this!
Maybe you can continue some sort of counselling to help with communication, or have someone who’s not involved navigate those sessions in the beginning until you figure out arrangements that work for both of you!
I think it can be done but I cannot imagine how you must feel when you have strong feelings for this man. Definitely communicate those with him, so he knows what’s going on and why you might feel and behave the way you do.
Definitely make sure you have someone to debrief after those meetings, schedule them in a way that maybe you have something nice planned afterwards like a dinner with a friend to distract you and lift up your spirits after your meetings.
For those first three months: have a plan B on hand in case him staying with you makes things harder for you and your mental health! If you can make it work I think this can work out wonderfully but peripartum mental health is difficult in the best ..1/2
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