Feeling so defeated
I’m a first time mum to my beautiful 14 month old boy. I prayed for my son for so long. We struggled to conceive, so when I fell pregnant it was a shock, but we were filled with so much gratitude. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
But recently I find myself being super snappy. I catch myself telling him off when he does something he shouldn’t, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and touched out that it takes me to a really dark place, and that scares me. I worry he will grow up resenting me for those moments.
I suffered terribly with postpartum depression, and sometimes I worry I am being pulled back into something like that again.
My husband is emotionally useless, if I am honest. When I share how I am feeling, I am often made to feel ashamed or told to just “suck it up,” and it leaves me feeling very alone.
I feel like the worst mum sometimes, so unworthy. My son deserves a mother with endless patience, softness and presence, and I worry I am not always giving him that.
God blessed me with the most amazing bundle of joy, and I love him more than anything. But lately I keep asking myself, why do I feel like I am lacking the very things motherhood is supposed to come with so naturally?