Feeling so defeated

I’m a first time mum to my beautiful 14 month old boy. I prayed for my son for so long. We struggled to conceive, so when I fell pregnant it was a shock, but we were filled with so much gratitude. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

But recently I find myself being super snappy. I catch myself telling him off when he does something he shouldn’t, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and touched out that it takes me to a really dark place, and that scares me. I worry he will grow up resenting me for those moments.

I suffered terribly with postpartum depression, and sometimes I worry I am being pulled back into something like that again.

My husband is emotionally useless, if I am honest. When I share how I am feeling, I am often made to feel ashamed or told to just “suck it up,” and it leaves me feeling very alone.

I feel like the worst mum sometimes, so unworthy. My son deserves a mother with endless patience, softness and presence, and I worry I am not always giving him that.

God blessed me with the most amazing bundle of joy, and I love him more than anything. But lately I keep asking myself, why do I feel like I am lacking the very things motherhood is supposed to come with so naturally?

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Mothers with endless patience do not exist.. social media and books that talk endlessly about ‘the calm approach’ are giving crazy expectations to new parents. What you mentioned is what motherhood is about, with moments of what I can describe as the purest form of happiness and moments of extreme exhaustion. We are humans and we just try to do our best, but you may have an unrealistic view of what motherhood should be and this is not your fault but it probably comes from all the pressure of new information that is constantly bombarding us on how the perfect parents should be. Your baby will not resent you for telling him off or raising your voice from time to time. I am sure you are doing a wonderful job, please be kind to yourself. I don’t know you and I see how much you love your baby just from this message. If your husband cannot support you emotionally, please try to speak with someone that can. We all need support.

I totally get it!
Being a mum is one of the hardest things you can do! It is mentally, emotionally and physically draining. It is totally normal to feel touched out, overstimulated and overwhelmed. Are you able to take some time away just by yourself? Even if it’s just your husband taking the little one out for a walk so you can shower in peace. Or take yourself out for the day have a look around the shops alone or meet up with a friend for a chat?

Mums are human i went back to work after a year to have a break 🙃

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