Arguing with husband during nightly wake ups
Hi guys,
We have a 22 month old who still wakes once or twice a night. She's always been a poor sleeper, so this is actually a big improvement. My husband and I take turns with night wake-ups, but lately he's started taking ages to respond when it's his turn, and it's driving me mad.
I'll hear our daughter crying and getting more upset while he just lies there watching the monitor, then goes downstairs for a drink or faffs about before finally going to her. By then, what could have been a quick cuddle and dummy often turns into a much longer ordeal because she's fully awake and distressed.
His reasoning is that she's older now and he wants to give her a chance to resettle herself. I understand that when she's calm and just stirring and she has been known to do this on occasion put herself back to sleep. But he's also doing it when she's actively crying and calling for us. To me, that's very different and a sign she needs comfort.
The other issue is that once I'm awake, I struggle to get back to sleep, whereas he can fall asleep instantly. The whole point of taking turns is that the other parent gets a chance to rest, but I'm often lying there awake listening to her cry while he waits. I’m then up for hours.
A few times I've ended up going in to sort her myself because I can't bear listening to it any longer. Plus I want to get it done so I can try get back to sleep. I’m so tired and it’s adding real negative vibes in the night because I wanna scream at him. I’m so resentful towards him by the morning i practically don’t even wanna talk to him.
I’ve tried to talk to him but it’s falling on deaf ears. I need advice or opinions.
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She should no longer be waking up during the night, is she teething? In a way it is not bad what he tries to do, maybe sit down and talk about how to find a middle way? I don’t really know what advice to give you because I know emotions run high, but at least he tried, other men cheated pp from 1m, never woke up or changed the diaper although reassured beforehand otherwise. If he is a good husband, supportive, try to see his point of view too. If she cries so bad, maybe it is teething and some calpol before sleep would do.
All children are different. Some still don't sleep through the night until approx 5 years old. There are multiple reasons why she is waking up from teething to night terrors and having had a wee.
Maybe look into a sleep consultant, some provide free help sheets for you to try first.
If she is crying, she should be comforted straight away in my opinion. Maybe ask your husband how he would feel if he woke up petrified and wanted reassurance but couldn't get to the person he wanted to despite being able to hear them nearby. Toddlers in cots feel trapped and scared and it amplifies when they can't go and find Mummy or Daddy. My 23month old son has slept in a Montessori floor bed from 12 months and when he wakes up sad, comes into us. It really helps us as in our tired states we pick him up for a cuddle until we wake up enough to carry him back to his own bed. We've had much better nights sleep since doing this and I would highly recommend it. Hope everything is resolved for you soon xx
Sounds like weaponised incompetence to me and that’s so difficult to challenge, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I wish I had some great advice that would help and in my opinion leaving babies and toddlers to ‘cry it out’ is actually damaging, there’s some good research that shows this and explains why, maybe see if he’s willing to read it? Or if you’re wanting to go into a more petty direction make him sleep on the sofa and have her in your bed with you until he’s willing to make a change
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