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First time mums

Partner and work

I don't want to be a stay at home parent, I'm on maternity leave and have ( unfortunately had to take 8 months when I wanted to return to work at 3 but they didn't respond to me) I love my boy but I just can't handle being fully relied upon all day every day, day and night no break.
So it has been tough I have discussed how hard it's been for me staying home and how much I've wanted to go back to work for nearly 6 months to my partner. Told him I'd swap roles and he can stay home which he declined
My partner has recently been looking for jobs and they're full time finish at 5 back between 6-7 so he'd work far away and wouldnt help with school or anything kids related
I'm not a fan of this which I've said about many many times but he can't find part time work in his area and I don't drive so my work opportunity is rubbish.
I don't want to be the stay at home parent and I won't do it if I'm paying half the bills.
Ive never had someone pay for me, it makes me uncomfortable like I owe them. The most I've gone it 50/50 split with bills etc.
This is split proportionally. But my partner has savings from before me and I havnt had an income in over a year now just benefits which mostly goes on bills
I don't think it's fair I pay splits on rent if I'm doing everything child related and at home but I don't want him to pay for me either. He knows this
I dunno I'm pretty annoyed he knows where I stand on this and how much I want to return to work ( I'm starting 1 day a week, but that's not guaranteed at all)
But keeps applying for more jobs further away longer hours etc, I feel abit taken the piss out of, especially since we agreed I'd stay home with the 1st and him the 2nd but coincidentally after having my boy and struggling in everyway possible he now doesn't want a 2nd, or to split time off with the 1st, but made out like I was the reason, as when I asked why he no longer wanted another he gave me a look, smirked n said I wouldn't like the answer.
Communication isn't the issue, I'll voice my opinions as will he, but there's only so much telling I can do before I just don't care anymore. He doesn't care to help me out with my mental health or taking part of the childcare load why should I even bother discussing anything anymore.
When I ask how I'll work around him and the kids his response other then asking if my mum can take him( yes she can but then she'll need a lift home and I'll need picking up from work as buses don't run that late and I know he will complain constantly about it so there's no point ) he then says oh so should I turn it down.
I usually talk it through with him but recently I've been saying I don't care anymore do what you like