Am I the arsehole…
I used to be so close with my MIL, closer with her than my own mum. Then I got pregnant… she wanted us to have a baby so bad and we were all so excited to begin with! Then the comments started ‘alright fatty’ when I walked in the room as my bump was growing ‘no need to run to triage cus she was fine don’t panic if u haven’t felt her for a bit’. ‘Just go to hospital fart the baby out and come home’ (I had my baby premature and that sentence was ringing in my head which is why I delivered her on only paracetamol and codeine and said no to an epidural) oh and pretty much just called me an incubator for ‘her grandbaby’ note aswell both my sister in laws we were all pregnant 10 weeks apart and the ones who aren’t her blood (me and one other) both have been caused so much anxiety by her since having our babies. With her own daughter she acted so differently towards her and the baby.
Then comes when I’d actually given birth. She didn’t respect our wishes when it comes to not kissing our baby. She would take her off us when she was asleep, which was quite a trigger especially for me as she was taken straight off us to NICU. We addressed all of this and had a couple weeks of not speaking and seeing each other as it nearly ended my relationship with my daughter’s dad and made us both incredibly depressed. Things got better, we let up on the kissing when our girl had all her jabs, she’s looked after her a few times which I’ve had to put aside my own discomfort for. Our daughter did go through a phase of screaming anytime MIL went near her which she has mostly gotten over now.
Roll on the last couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling mentally again which has been impacting my wanting to be around the MIL. I’ve held it in due to what we’ve been through before and not wanting to upset my partner. However it was my birthday on Saturday and I’d agreed to MIL looking after our daughter overnight, had gone for a meal with my family and halfway through we get a message in their family group chat saying our daughter had a meltdown… we didn’t get a call about it. We rang them later on and turns out she didn’t just have a little meltdown it was an hour long and to the point she was sick! She had calmed down so my partner said she could stay then the next morning we wake up to pictures of her in her vest, sleep sack AND under the duvet… in this heat… with the MIL asleep AND the dog in the bed. Now I wouldn’t leave my family dog who is as soft as anything in a room with daughter alone because I’d never trust a dog fully! She also will ask our daughter for a kiss and then proceed to kiss her on the lips… something I didn’t grow up doing so I’m not comfortable with. He will not tell her to stop as he ‘hasn’t seen it’ but we have been in the same room countless times. I’ve also mentioned it to him before but it’s just been brushed off by him.
Me and my partner ended up having a huge argument yesterday about it all and I didn’t go to his parents for dinner. Instead he took our daughter over there knowing I wasn’t comfortable with it due to my PPD. When they came home I put our daughter to bed (which is always my responsibility as he seems to think he can’t get her to sleep, infact everything tends to be me bar washing and sterilising bottles) we spoke in the evening after girlie was in bed and I’d said I’d been struggling but not wanted to upset him by saying anything and just seeing if I’d get over it. Obviously I haven’t but he basically came back with I need to sort it out in myself cus he’s not gonna not see his family and our daughter is going to see them too. (I’ve never once said he can’t see them I’ve just tried to protect our girl). I sat by myself crying for hours yesterday and when he asked what I’d done when they were out I told him and he didn’t even acknowledge the fact I’d been sat crying by myself. He’s normally a huge support but is now saying I’m clutching at straws for issues with his mum and bringing up the tiniest of things and should just up my dose of antidepressants…
I am over all my birth trauma however I now feel the main issue causing my PPD is my MIL and a few of my friends agree. They have also questioned if she says ‘jokes’ to me to get a reaction out of me, for instance saying she will give my 6 month old McDonalds breakfast 5 times in a minute after I’ve told her no the first time she mentioned it.
I’m also very upset that my partner didn’t get me a birthday card from our daughter when his birthday is 4 days before mine and I got one for him from her (I also did last year when I was pregnant and I didn’t get one back last year from the bump either)
I just don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like my feelings have been disregarded by my partner and he’s just backing his mum rather than his family he has created. He asked me yesterday do I just not like how his mum is and I had to say that I don’t since I had our daughter. I feel like the last few weeks it’s just been fake niceness between me and the MIL and I can just see her ruining my relationship but then I’d have to deal with 50/50 custody and letting her go there all the time☹️
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Leaveeeeee get that mummy’s boy outta here
Not everything is to leave straightaway. Especially as you have said he has being good.
I won't lie, giving birth changes EVERYONE!
The pressure is what no one is emotionally and mentally and whatever prepared for.
You cannot throw everything you have built with the man you have loved and enjoyed and whatnot over issues with your MIL.
It's not her you are married to. Remember that. You also need to remember, from experience and observation, most times we carry our in laws higher than our own blood, they can still NOT always treat us like blood and that is understandable. We just shouldn't take that to heart.
If it was our own blood, we can sometimes unconsciously do the same thing siding against our partner. Again, we don't take that to heart.
And no, I don't think we can generalise him as a mummy's boy because he didn't see things from your perspective when you.....
... shared your concerns about baby because clearly the majority of what you are upset about is things surrounding baby + MIL. This is VERY common with a lot of people, especially with the first child. You just want your baby handled in a particular way and if they aren't, it's normal you get pissed. Heck, you probably would feel the same if it's your mum kissing baby on the lips too.
Remember, emotions are A LOT during pregnancy, worst in post partum and the triggers are endless. Sometimes they are manageable, sometimes we just go through them, sometimes we are blessed to have partners/family around who understands and don't make it worse. But when we aren't that lucky, we don't assume they have gone bad and throw them away! Not especially if that will cost us having a full family for the same baby we are fighting for. Heck, the next one you might walk into might tick a few baby boxes and be the worst partner + in laws....
... If you are still interested in Keeping the relationship, I would recommend seeking family therapy/counselling with your partner. One rooted in new parents stuff, can't remember what it's called.
As for MIL, politely let her know certain things that aren't sitting well with you. Especially the ones you know are major concerns.
Keep the relationship polite. No need to go there if you don't. Keep a healthy distance if you want. When asked, let them know you are dealing a lot you just want to figure out first. Try not to get into direct conversations that will open up room to hear more "jokes". Again, don't take most of what's going on to heart. Even daddies get big post partum emotions, they don't know how to handle, but we just wave theirs as we tend to assume they are stronger and fine.
Don't beat yourself up too much. You are doing your very best as regards baby and most of us have being there. You'll be fine 🤗 🥰
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