Mum guilt and anxiety

I am aware people who don’t have help during motherhood are living completely different lives to those who don’t and that’s why I feel I shouldn’t complain as I live with my husbands grandmother who does help but I just don’t feel comfortable leaving him with her and sleeping because I don’t like the ways she speaks about him. Calling him sexy, dark, fat and swearing a lot and also she likes to cross my personal boundaries and walks into mine and my husband’s room whenever she likes etc, there are many more things. I also come to my parents a lot and they do help me and my husband is trying somewhat too. However I have this deep horrible feeling that I’m doing such a shit job and that my son hates me. He has colic and constipation and cries a lot and he never wants to be put down. He just seems sad and I feel it’s my fault. I don’t know if it’s exhaustion from BF and having him with me all the time but I don’t recognise myself and I hate myself and I have really scary thoughts. Sometimes I wish I never did this and I feel like such a bad mum. I love him with my whole heart and soul but I feel like I’m not cut out to be a mum.

in our community

Honest Transparent Rant

I want to preface this and say I was diagnosed with post natal depression, and I chose not to have any medication etc because it’s not an all the time thing if that makes sense?

I’m sure I’m only feeling this way because it’s warm, I’ve got really bad back pain at the moment so struggling to be on the floor and run after him etc, & he’s going through a regression of dropping naps, fighting sleep etc.

I digress;

I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, and I want to start by saying I know you can’t have a baby based off other people helping you. However I deeply regret having a baby and don’t think I’d of done it if I knew it was going to be like this?

We don’t have a support unit, our mums drop in for an hour when it’s convenient for them like before they do their weekly shop or on their way to a night out etc.
My MIL makes me feel guilty for not visit her when we don’t drive, nor does she ever offer to have the baby. She always messaged me asking to go out drinking but I can’t because I have her grandson to look after?
My mum does have the baby every school holiday as she is a teacher so can’t really have him any other time but during term time doesn’t make an effort.
We both have siblings (mine are younger and his are older) but they don’t bother anymore.

When I was pregnant everyone was so excited for this baby but since he’s been here no one care and I feel so bad for him as well.
To put into context he is almost walking and there are people that haven’t seen him since he was pre crawling that’s how long they leave it.

They say it take a village but we are so on our own. To top it off my partner works until 9pm so I’m on my own all day, do everything by myself, do every bed time, every bath time etc I’m the one that gets the brunt of my son when he’s pulling my hair, biting and refusing to go to sleep.

I just feel so defeated, like I miss my son when I’m not around him but I feel like I’m running on a really really empty tank and I just want to run away and tell someone else to have a fucking turn.

I know this is going to sound bitter but even my friends, I hope when they have kids they regret never reaching out. I try but no one seems to want to hang out now that it involves a baby and not a night out?

Idk this is so long and I just needed to get it off my chest, I feel I can’t talk to anyone that this is about because they will feel attacked? Idk just feel so bloody down. All I wanted in my life was to be a mum and I thought I was resilient but I guess I’m not🙃

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