How do I tell my mum not be so rough with my baby

I need my mum to help when my husband is traveling for work, but baby cries whenever she changes his nappy and I thought it was weird because he's usually a very happy boy. Bedtime is husband's job so she was doing it for me while I pump and I just saw her doing this, which is far too rough and very distressing for me. Previously I asked her nicely to bath him the way we do it and she said "you turned out fine" and "I wish I hadn't come". I don't think I am fine, I have a lot of emotional/ attachment issues... today she told me she used to just let me cry it out and I was very 'patient' with my baby, and she's only holding him because I do. I don't know what to do, I need the extra pair of hands and don't have anyone else, but it's so difficult to talk to her because of how she reacts.

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I don’t actually think the rocking in the video looks particularly concerning from what I can see, and baby doesn’t look distressed either. He just looks sleepy and like he’s stirring, and your mum seems to be trying to settle him without picking him up.
What stands out to me much more is how she’s responding when you’ve raised concerns. Saying “you turned out fine” isn’t a very helpful response, and making you feel guilty for asking her to do things your way would upset me far more than the rocking in this video. You’re his mum, and it’s okay to expect the people caring for him to respect how you want things done, even if they would’ve done things differently with their own children. I know that’s much easier said than done when you rely on the help, though x

I agree I think the rocking is fine I wouldn’t be concerned.
My mum and I don’t look eye to eye I our parenting methods either so I understand it’s difficult to have that conversation but all you can do is just say it to her nicely

I'd just be polite and direct - "Mum, thank you so much for watching him/doing X. Please could you just be a little more gentle? He's used to us doing Y."

You could try to spin it so that it's in her best interests e.g. "you might find he's a bit easier for you if..." (I hate this language, but I feel like we have to speak their language sometimes to appease them 😂).

If she's still resisting or getting defensive, just keep firmly holding the boundary by gently repeating yourself.

"Sure, I'd still like you to be a bit gentler please."

"I hear you/I agree, but this is how he likes it/what he's used to."

Keep chucking in how appreciative you are of her "help", and at unrelated times as well, to keep her on side.

I'm aware the above sounds a bit manipulative, but it sounds like you really don't have any other feasible childcare options atm?

Above all, though, keep monitoring the situation to keep your baby safe and looked after in a way that you and he are both fully comfortable with. Good luck!

in our community

Preparing to leave

Hey I’ve just joined this group for a little bit of advice and chat if anyone has been in the same position.

I’m preparing to leave my marriage I have a nearly 2 year old and four month old we recently split but came back together but I’m still met with rudeness, energy is flat and just unhappy I know I went back for help with my kids.

When I say planning to leave I plan to leave when my daughter is two I know this is two years away but has anyone else been in this situation where you’ve stayed to have help with the kids? When does it get easier. Do I leave sooner?

I’m not financially linked to him I have my own money, tenancy is in my own only so I’m quite stable it’s just help with kids.

Any advice appreciated thanks. X x

WFH Balance?

Bear with me here, I'm kinda just getting my thoughts out and hoping some of you have advice or encouragement if you've been in a similar situation ❤️

I've been a sahm for a little over a year, largely because we just couldn't afford daycare with what I was making.
My husband is a self-employed contractor, focusing on tile installation. Recently, his business has grown enough that he's having a hard time managing it, so he's asked me to step in and help. I'll be learning and taking over his books, and most of the back-end office work.
It'll be a pretty steep learning curve, with a bit of a mess to clean up, but I'm fairly confident that I can manage it much better than he has once I get going lol, I'm generally better with numbers and organization.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to fit it into my schedule, though. I have a 7yo and a 2yo and they are... wild. Up to now, I've had us spending as much of our day outside as possible, and I've been looking for ways to get us out of the house more while still getting my housework done. I'm not entirely sure how to juggle that with making sure I have time to get my work done too, especially if he also wants me to take over some of the customer-contact like setting appointments.

I'm also not sure where to set up a work station. Hubby has a spot at the kitchen table where he tries to do this work. If I worked there, I could keep an eye on the kids, but I'd be interrupted constantly. If I set up at the desk upstairs, I'd be able to actually focus, but I wouldn't be able to watch the kids. My oldest is home from school for the summer and just barely responsible enough that I can leave them semi-unattended together for short bursts as long as I'm available if they need me, but not for long periods. They're obsessed with each other, but they wind each other up like crazy, and if they get too wild someone inevitably winds up getting hurt. The eldest also knows how to operate the TV, and I don't want them to have too much screen time. They are not able to go outside unsupervised at all. We have some small wyze cameras that we've used before when my eldest was *not* as responsible, but we don't currently have enough outlets available.
My youngest is hit-or-miss with naps lately, but she's usually happy to take some "quiet" time in her crib on days she decides not to nap; she just sings gibberish, plays with her plushies, and looks out the window until she'd usually wake up. I'm hoping that by the time she drops the nap entirely, we'll be able to afford part-time daycare/preschool again.

I think my best case scenario is being able to do most of my work during nap time and getting better at doing my housework throughout the day? That will depend on how much work ends up on my plate, though. Most likely, I'll have to figure out how to juggle work and kids.

This was longer than I planned, but I wanted to be thorough.
Any tips and advice are very welcome!
Emotional support and validation are also welcome lol. I'm sure I'll find a way to muddle through, I'm just trying to sort out how to balance things ❤️

Selfish “friend”

I don’t know if am being insensitive or my feelings are valid but I have a friend that I see regularly but I have noticed it only seems to be when they are wanting something? Like they’ll invite me down to their house but will say can you do this for me for example spot clean the mattress, tidy the kids bedrooms or put clothes away but they’ve got a partner at home who doesn’t work and neither do they and have a third child on the way like I just feel like they only want me for their benefit and if I let them down on the day am meant to do something they’ll make me feel guilty by saying “knew you weren’t gonna come” or if I go out with other friends they’ll constant ring or FaceTime then if I don’t answer they think am being funny it is just starting to get to me now but I can’t say how I feel otherwise it turns into argument that will last for days and they send massive essays it’s draining

AIBU

Am I being unreasonable. My partner works full time and I’m on maternity leave. My partner goes away weekends on golf tournaments, gets out for his runs and has his recreational time without question. I obviously don’t have that luxury, I literally do everything (cooking, cleaning, childcare) from dawn till dusk. My partners way of looking after the baby is sticking him in the bouncer in front of the tv which I hate. Recently he’s started developing an app and wants to put all hours into it which I get but I simply asked for an hour when he gets home before we put baby to sleep so that we can eat together, he can spend time with baby and I can just have time to shower and decompress. Once baby’s asleep I’m then cleaning and doing everything in readiness for the next day. I’ve now been told I’m not a supportive partner and as “supportive as a blade”. (Yeah I’m unsure of the analogy to but whatever haha) Really just don’t know how to feel and feel as though I’m looked upon as staff in our house at the moment.

Should I have a 3rd?…

Feeling mentally exhausted and I already get overwhelmed at home with my 2 boys.. husband really wants a 3rd but I’m just not sure and really struggling as a parent. We’re also getting couples counselling at the moment too as things have been rocky since having the conversation about a 3rd child. I’m thinking about it every day. Whether I should or not and it’s affecting my mental health. Any advice welcome x

DENTISTS

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND A DENTIST?!
My son is 15 months old and has never been to a dentist because I can’t find one that will take on new patients. I also need to get registered with a dentist but my main concern is my son. I started looking for a dentist when my son was 9 months old and still can’t find one. I’ve phoned 8 today alone and every single one has said no.
Has anyone else had this problem? Did you manage to find a dentist in the end? If so, HOW?!