relationship advice... can we survive resentment?
I'll try to keep it short, for context:
We're both 21, been together since we were 16. He has been so good to me, before I got pregnant our relationship was amazing and loving and wholesome. I had been pregnant before (if you're going to judge me, keep it to yourself, idc) and we decided we couldn't have the baby (we were 19 at the time and both freshmen in college). I don't regret it, but it was awful. He was very supportive.
Then I got pregnant AGAIN, and yes we were careful. At the very moment I saw those lines I already knew I was going to be a mommy. I was 20 at the time, and VERY scared, but I just knew it. He didn't wanted to be a father. I offered him an out, he chose to stay with me and do this together. It was very hard for him to accept that his life was about to change completely, and I was very patient. I didn't complain, even when I felt a little neglected during all of my pregnancy, I thought once he met our little boy (although he wanted a girl) he'll be happy.
When our baby was born, his fatherly instincts kicked in, and he obviously loves and cares for our son. BUT...
We had a fight, bc his friends invited us to a beach trip, and bc our baby is 7mo and I didn't felt comfortable, I told him he could go without us (he had done it in the past lol). He said he didn't want to, but then he was upset and told me he was sad bc I didn't want to go. I got furious. He goes out almost every weekend. I feel like my life changed completely, but his didn't. Being a father seems like a side hobby sometimes. And I told him all of this, I told him I do 99% of the work, and we aren't a team. That I needed more "help", but it isn't help, it's just doing his part of the job without me having to ask him or tell him anything.
Then he admitted the hard truth: he resents me. For choosing this life, without him (ofc I did consider his wishes, but I was NOT having another abortion).
We both agreed we'll change some things, but he admitted I can't do anything, he has to forgive me but he's struggling.
It broke my heart. I want so bad for us to work out, but I don't know if we can. Also I might end up resenting him for not doing his part, even when he knows it's not fair for me. I ask the literal bare minimum.
Anyone been on a similar situation or has advice?
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This sounds very difficult but very doable. I want to say first you both sound at least mature and honest and kudos to that. Because you have honesty and communication you can go VERY far. You are both at different stages of wants and needs and are not on the same page. He wants to stay young and free you’re ready to start the chapter of responsibility and family. The fact that you can see he is struggling is beautiful, but he has to see (and want to see) that you are struggling too. Compromising is key, I don’t know what that looks like for you two, but accepting sacrifice without resentment is what’s going to get you through. He agreed to change, so work on giving him grace that it takes time for him to make his sacrifice while also working on not resenting you. I think (strong on think cause I don’t know you all ☺️) he will appreciate that and with time step up more and be thankful you understood his struggle, and he’ll understand and respect yours too. Good luck.
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