Child's Birthday being planned w/o me
We are driving to my husband's home state soon to visit his family for a few days. We only see them about once a year. Over the years, because of unhealthy dynamics, unfair treatment, triangulation, and other issues, my mother-in-law and I no longer speak. At this point, I would honestly be okay never seeing her again because of how she's treated me.
Our youngest turns 4 while we're there, and my mother-in-law has decided to host a backyard birthday party. At first, I told myself I'd just let her and my husband handle it since I wasn't included anyway. But as the trip gets closer, she continues calling and messaging my husband (the phone calls always happen when I'm not around) about the planning, and I had to admit to myself that I'm actually really bothered by all of this.
I kept trying to focus on the fact that my son will love having a party, and that's what matters most. But I also feel incredibly excluded and hurt. I know this wasn't an oversight. I genuinely believe she's intentionally left me out, and I imagine she's enjoying planning a family gathering with my husband while excluding me. It feels so strange because... this is *my* child too.
Now I'm finding myself thinking, "Don't ask me to help when we get there." You wanted to plan this without me? Then go for it. Don't expect me to jump in setting up or cleaning up for a party I wasn't invited to help create. At the same time, I worry that refusing will only make me look bad—which has often felt like exactly the narrative she wants the rest of the family to see.
I'm really torn. My number one priority is that my child has a wonderful birthday. Beyond that, though, I'm not okay with any of this. I'm hurt that I've been excluded. I'm frustrated that my husband continues to find ways to justify or normalize this dynamic instead of recognizing how painful it is. And I'm angry because I know there's a good chance she'll expect me to happily help execute a party I had no voice in planning. I don't want to feel controlled or manipulated into playing along. Our relationship isn't distant because of a lack of opportunity—it's distant because control has always mattered more to her than having a genuine relationship with me.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How would you handle this while protecting your own peace without taking away from your child's special day? 🥺
