What would you do
Growing up, I’d say my mom was semi neglectful. She’d do a food shop, but never make us food. As young children we’d only eat something that was already made, most of the time just pre-packaged snacks and very rarely proper meals. Emotionally she was unavailable, spent most of her weekends with friends while we were shipped to my dads/grandmas. When she was home, her head was in her phone, and it was impossible to get conversation out of her. Our relationship was so rocky for a while, but in recent years we’re on good terms now I have my own house and family.
When she first offered to have my child overnight, everything was fine. She’d have him once a month and this worked for about a year. But after that things have started to go downhill. He returns and his clothes smell of cigarette smoke, even more so after she’s washed them. So I asked her to just return his dirty clothes and I’d wash them at home. She took this really personally, but agreed. Even clean spare clothes I sent over there come back smelly. I’ll ask her what he’s eaten and she often lists snacks and sweets. My toddler is a really good eater so would eat a meal she gave him. I’ll often call when he’s there to find out what he’s eaten, and when I tell her to give him a proper meal she’ll ask him if he wants it, as if it’s not a given that he’ll want proper food. When she drops him back off at home, his nappy is often really full and on the verge of leaking. This is all things I’ve talked to her about before and explained I’m not happy with.
What’s really got me was today she has dropped my 6 month old baby home, soaking wet in sweat. He had on a sleepsuit, and when I picked him up out of the car seat he was so wet I thought his nappy had exploded but no, he was sweating. I asked if she’d had aircon on in the car (given the current heat) and she said no. I flipped and lost it. I don’t feel comfortable leaving her to care for them anymore which is unfortunate as I think she has good intentions but is not able to carry out the care they need. I feel so disappointed in her for letting me down and in myself for hoping she had changed. I’ve had so many conversations with her about these things and she always meets me with a condescending “i know how to look after kids i looked after you”
For now my plan is to limit contact to day time and at my house/ public. Which is so sad as she is our only support system.
Boy mom to future mother in law
I hope I’m not alone in feeling like this, and I hope this post doesn’t make me the icky sort of boy mom I have a fear of becoming.
I am a mom to only boys, so in the future I may find myself being someone’s mother in law, and grandma on the dad’s side. Being a mother myself, I know how much I felt like I wanted my mom in that postpartum period, and the early years of my boys life. I haven’t spoke to him about it but I wondered if my partner also felt the same way. Naturally I went to my own mother for advice, help and support, my mother in law often being a last resort. I noticed I did this with my first and swore to myself to not abandon or neglect her with my second, although it was completely unintentional the first time around. I know mother in laws get a bad rep for unsolicited advice, unwelcomed visits and so on, and I never want to be that mother in law. My own mother in law respected our boundaries, if anyone pushed them it was often my own mother.
Part of me mourns a future where my sons with probably not need me in those times as much as their partner needs their mother, and I know that’s okay, I know that’s how I felt. I’m not the sort of person who would demand to see a baby or show up unnanounced, if they asked me to stay away I would. I don’t know what the point in writing this is, I guess I just wondered if any other boy moms felt the same way.
